By Steve Weinstein
By Bryan Bierman
By Lindsey Rhoades
By Chaz Kangas
By Ben Westhoff and Sarah Purkrabek
By Jena Ardell
By Jesse Sendejas Jr.
By Katherine Turman
But at the least, if you're white and have an IQ higher than John Stockton's free-throw percentage, you know someone like the Beastie Boys, some wiseacre who's thought, "I watch too much TV and take a lot of drugs, too--I could've done that," ever since Licensed To Ill cannonballed a placid pond in 1986. The Beasties made it look deceptively easy; that's how we know they're punk.
After racing out to L.A., where pretty girls and basketball courts are both more available, they eventually raced back home, like wiseacres since Odysseus. By then, their city was gone. You can't chill on the corner with a 40 of O.E. in New York anymore, thanks to zero-tolerance dictates from the mayor, and there are about 90 other scenarios on Licensed that would earn them a one-way ticket on the Rikers Express. The Ritz, site of their riotous late-'86 show, is gone like Charles Oakley. The forty-deuce they hunted for seedy kicks has been deloused and Astroturfed for tourists, and the Ludlow St. they pictured as an anachronism of schmatte shops in the artwork to Paul's Boutique is now the indie-rock Madison Ave. Oh, and girls in New York just don't have new-wave hairdos anymore.
But the Beasties have got changes like my man David Bowie. After two epochal albums, the dusted-out Licensed To Ill and then the Dust Brothered Paul's Boutique--the Talmud of the sample era, still devoutly studied and debated--they returned to the instruments they'd played as punks, and made Check Your Head and Ill Communication, albums that peak high and crash low. No longer the most illinest, illinest, illinest B-boys, they seemed to be making penance for earlier antics (Voice coverline, 1986: "Three Jerks Make a Masterpiece") by preaching peace, environmentalism, feminist respect, and introspection. Before, they wanted to fight teachers, 7-Eleven clerks, fathers, sheriffs, bosses, and girls; now they had less beef than a vegetarian. MCA declared his commitment to Buddhism, and on the last album even rhymed "world" and "unfurl" like my man Jackson Browne. Imagine how penitent they'd have been if Columbia Records had let them title the debut Don't Be a Faggot.
Hey, I was old school when you were in preschool, so I'm setting up the context. Because right away, quite deliberately, Hello Nasty declares a return to Licensed To Ill. On "Intergalactic," the electrorockin' single, they sample Ad-Rock from the debut's "It's the New Style," and refer obliquely to the inner sleeve of Kool Moe Dee's How Ya Like Me Now. On "Super Disco Breakin,' " the album-starting leasebreaker, they praise the 808 drum machine, every original B-boy's hallowed beatbox. And later on, they mayonnaise a Run-DMC hit to deliver as funny a line as any they've ever cracked: "I'm the king of Boggle, there is none higher/I get eleven points off the word 'quagmire.' " The Beasties had drifted, Beatles-style, into solo tracks, with MCA as George Harrison, looping Gregorian chants to praise "the awakening mind" on "Bodhisattva Vow," and Mike D hardcore-ranting against blacktop hacks on "Tough Guy." Now, once again, they pass it like the '69 Knicks, and stack their braying voices into beautiful, unlikely harmonies that will stir old fans. They pop the old lingo like ESPN's Stuart Scott. They couldn't get more '80s if they were VH1. Who's better qualified, or more justified, to invent B-boy nostalgia?
To get all the jokes, you have to know what the Beasties know, which might seem chokingly hermetic. After all, the album title is an in(die)side joke that will fully tickle only those people who have Shelby Meade's number in their Rolodexes. But for the Beasties, the question has long been, How big can a small world grow? Together or separately, they have a label (Grand Royal), a zine (ibid), a cause (Tibetan freedom), a clothing line (X-Large), and probably, by now, the penny for their thoughts they once wanted. They know enthusiasms should be spread like cream cheese, whether for a pal's band or for a cool T-shirt. The Beasties believe in the ideal of a crew; that's how we know they're hip-hop.
After five albums, plus enough EP's to fill a Stussy backpack, they still have a vibrant career; that's how we know they're not hip-hop. Like other Beastie fans who prefer cartoon gunplay to devout nonviolence, I wasn't surprised when sales and critical reception both fell off for Ill Communication. On Hello Nasty, it's only when I read the lyric sheet that I notice MCA tossing a shout-out to Uma Thurman's brother, and railing against "filthy cash" like he's T-Bone Burnett standing outside the entrance of a Niketown. Well, that's what I deserve for reading lyric sheets. The larger problem on the previous two records was musical, not lyrical. Instruments were the first things the Beasties had taken seriously, and their desire to pay tribute to the Meters and the Ohio Players was estimable, except that neither band ever made an album as good as the Beasties already had. Great funk riffs are as rare as steak tartare, and though some of the Beasties' instrumentals bobbed like a B-movie pimp, many more were as flat as a new pair of Vans.