By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
I paid to see The Avengersfunny, I still haven't received a screening noticeand found that, despite some classy touches (like the casting of Fiona Shaw and Eileen Atkins), elaborate gimmickry, and a hypnotic coulda-woulda-shoulda feel to the whole thing, the flick is indeed a futile exercise in making a dry martini out of sand. The audacious adaptation misfires by expending truckloads of effort in straining to seem absolutely effortless.
The two cold-fish stars, Ralph Fiennes and the badly accented Uma Thurman, are made to pile on sexual innuendo ("Push!"), comment on everything before and after ("That would seem to have been a kiss"), and spout would-be banter with an attitude that wrongly assumes that acting droll is the same as beingdroll. Since the characters already don't mean what they say, Ralph's and Uma's winky distance from the dialogue puts them in a whole other movie--one directed by Nicholsand May.
Guest star Sean Connery is hidden under a giant teddy bear suit much of the time, and Eddie Izzardshould be mad that he isn't; the much heralded comic only gets to pop gum, smirk, and say one line--"Oh, fuck!"--before croaking and hopefully getting a new agent. I was never that big a fan of the TV show, but I am now. Oh, fuck!
As for that insatiable avenger Michael Myers, am I the only one who found Halloween: H20 more ludicrous than even a fourth sequel needs to be? The problem for me was that every time Jamie Lee Curtisattacks her murderous brother in self-defense, she brilliantly leaves the weapon right beside him before running for her life. Thenguess what happens--Michael invariably revives against all odds, grabs the knife, and goes right back after her sorry ass. In all the chasing back and forth, Jamie never says, "Michael, how can you do this? Why don't you take off that stupid mask and let's discuss? I'm your sister!" She simply resumes that infernal running, providing a lengthy cat-and-mouse game that's enough to make you start hoping for glue traps.
Then there's Mike Myers, who plays Steve Rubell in the big disco mirror ball called 54 (funny, I haven't received a screening notice for that one yet either). But the real terror is that, according to Page Six, some homoerotic footage has been cut from the movie because it made the preview audience uncomfortable (Miramax says it was just streamlining). The flick reportedly still has tons of gay stuff in it, but it's been through so many watering-down processes by now--the busboy character's apparently gone from gay to experimental to Trent Lott--that maybe they should just call the damned thing Au Bar.
The next stop, Next Stop Wonderland, is a very likable, if ultimately conventional, straight dating movie that floats over you like a bossa nova. Then again, what do I know?--I preferred The Parent Trapto Saving Private Ryan. At the Screening Room reception for Wonderland--before I saw the movie--an avenger barreled up to me and said, "You destroyed my show Queens Boulevard! Write something nice about Alan Gelfant! He's in the movie and I'm friends with his mother!" Well, I met Gelfant and he seemed very well-mannered, and I'd like to meet the mother, too. I was also introduced to Wonderland'scoscreenwriter Lyn Vaus, but after answering a few questions, he stopped short, saying, "You knowyou're only going to write about what I'm wearing and if I made a pass at you." He was wearing a white button-down shirt. He didn't.
Hope Davisdidn't either. The actress--whom we highbrows remember from all those Nicky Silverplays--is perfectly endearing in an ironic way that could even pull off white apparel. Asked about the movie's bizarre print ads, in which her face looks like someone else's, she said, "It's called airbrushing. They spaced my eyes out to not look so cross-eyed, they straightened my teeth, my lips are bigger. . . . " Hopefully they're not the same folks who edited 54. I began to ask Hope if she's the new (but darker and more reflexive) Teri Garr, Meg Ryan, or Jenna Elfman, but instead wondered how she feels about otherswho resort to such kooky hype. "It's a load of hooey," she said. "I'm just the same old me, but nobody was willing to pay me for it before."
The same old adorable actor Liev Schreiber chimed in that Hope looks really hot in the movie, especially in the scene with the transparent bra. "No snatch?" I wondered in that ever tasteful way. "No snatch," said Liev. "But Todd Solondz's new movie Happiness has snatch!" (Not in the final version I just saw--though, watch out, Cameron Diaz, the brilliant film does supply two more tips for semen use.) No connection here, but the conversation inevitably turned to Ally McBeal, and Hope looked deeply disturbed as she said, "I find it really depressing." "But it's Calista!" chirped Liev. "It makes me frantic and lonely," insisted Hope. Suddenly we were all suicidal. But Robert Klein perked things up by telling Hope, "A lot of my scenes were cut, but who cares about me? You'regonna be giant! There's something wonderfully appealing about you. The nose could start a whole new trend!"