By Keegan Hamilton
By Albert Samaha
By Village Voice staff
By Tessa Stuart
By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
It was awful when I saw you for your birthday in August. You were so distant that I missed you as I was holding you in my arms.
So it's over. I don't know what I will do now but I can't wait anymore and I can't go through all of this crap anymore. In some ways I hope I never hear from him again because he'll just lead me on because he doesn't have the balls to tell me the truth.
I believe the time has finally come for me to throw in the towel. My conversation with Marsha left me disappointed, frustrated, sad, and angry. I can't help but wonder if you knew she wouldn't be able to detail me over there when I last saw you. Maybe that would explain your coldness. The only explanation I can reason for your not bringing me back is that you just plain didn't want to enough or care about me enough... I just loved youwanted to spend time with you, kiss you, listen to you laughand I wanted you to love me back. As I said in my last letter to you I've waited long enough. You and Marsha win. I give up. You let me down, but I shouldn't have trusted you in the first place.
Well, I found out from Betty yesterday that he not only brought me a T-shirt, he got me two T-shirts, a hat, and a dress!!!! Even though he's a big schmuck, that is surprisingly sweeteven that he remembered!
Any normal person would have walked away from this and said, "He doesn't call me, he doesn't want to see mescrew it. It doesn't matter." I can't let go of you... I want to be a source of pleasure and laughter and energy to you. I want to make you smile... all you have promised me is an empty promise... I am once again totally humiliated. It is very clear that there is no way I am going to be brought back. I will never do anything to hurt you. I am simply not that kind of person. Moreover, I love you.
I'd like to ask you to help me secure a position in New York beginning 1 December. I would be very grateful, and I am hoping this is a solution for both of us. I want you to know that it has always been and remains more important to me to have you in my life than to come back... Please don't let me down.
I asked you three weeks ago to please be sensitive to what I am going through right now and to keep in contact with me, and yet I'm still left writing notes in vain. I am not a moron. I know that what is going on in the world takes precedence, but I don't think what I have asked you for is unreasonable. This is so hard for me. I am trying to deal with so much emotionally, and I have nobody to talk to about it. I need you right now not as president, but as a man. PLEASE be my friend.
Both professionally and personally... our personal relationship changing has caused me more pain. Do you realize that? I don't want you to think that I am not grateful for what you are doing for me nowI'd probably be in a mental institute without itbut I am consumed with this disappointment, frustration, and anger. All you... ever have to do to pacify me is see me and hold me. Maybe that's asking too much.
I was so sad seeing you last night. I was so angry with you that once again you had rejected me... I wanted to feel the warmth of you and the smell of you and the touch of you. And it made me sad. And Iyou confuse me so much. I mean... I thoughtI thought I fell in love with this person thatthat I really felt was such a goodsuch a good person, such a good heart, someone who's had a life with a lot of experiences.
You want me out of your life. I guess the signs have been made clear for awhilenot wanting to see me and rarely calling. I used to think it was you putting up walls. I wanted to give them [gifts] to you in person, but that is obviously not going to happen.
I will never forget what you said that night we fought on the phoneif you had known what I was really like you would never have gotten involved with me. I'm sure you're not the first person to have felt that way about me. I am sorry that this has been such a bad experience.
I knew it would hurt to say goodbye to you; I just never thought it would have to be on paper. Take care.
One of four articles in our Clinton's Sex Scandal feature.