NY Mirror

''I can't believe that all the underground insanity I skanked around for years now comprises cute touristy entertainment.''

But let's turn off the TV and actually pirouette out of the house to claw at some free buffets and gift bags, shall we? Hootie and the Blowfish had a party at Howard Johnson's (don't paddle me--I like their new song), but I felt way overdressed in a button-down shirt and had to flee even before clamming down on the buffet. Saks Fifth Avenue threw a British Invasion party, which I heard about for three months and stayed at for three minutes. But there was a delightful tasting at the new "world chow" haven Shei-Shei, where I was served a gigantic leg of lamb standing upright in a bizarre, hollowed-out butternut squash. It was phallically delicious.

There was also a deliciously phallic Paper party for John Waters's so-so Pecker at Veruka--though that was a weird choice of venue, since the movie makes wicked fun of the trendy restaurant circuit. "But John mocks everything--with love," Pecker player Patty Hearst told me, wisely. The new Lolita, Dominique Swain--who I think is about 40 by now--mocked her screen mom, Melanie Griffith, in a recent interview, but she wouldn't elaborate at the party, unconvincingly telling me, "I actually thought Melanie was nice!" And Pecker star Edward Furlong is so, well, nice, that he won't give quotes to any magazine that accepts fur ads (that should leave him with Dog Fancy). In fact, I learned that, when the two rats who fuck in the movie were going to be exterminated after the filming--God's punishment?--a panicky Furlong called PETA, which diligently found homes for them and their (by then) dozens of offspring. On my block, I think.

My final ratty thought: Now that Meryl Streep has run out of accents and is doing diseases, I think she should play a diabetic who picks cantaloupes, turns pirouettes, gives patients mouth-to-mouth, and works part-time as a dominatrix at a theme restaurant. I smell Oscar!

''Thank you very much, sir!'': lining up in style at the Lure's Fetish Fashion Show
Michael Sofronski
''Thank you very much, sir!'': lining up in style at the Lure's Fetish Fashion Show

Michael Musto can be e-mailed at musto@villagevoice.com.

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