NY Mirror

'I'm Australian,' said Cate Blanchett. 'I haven't read that much Elizabethan pornography!'

No connection here, but what the hell is a quinny? (The word comes up in the English subtitle for a sweet nothing murmured to Elizabeth by the Duc d'Anjou--the same guy about whom queenie later says, "You're wearing a dress, my grace.") "A fanny," Blanchett explained, tentatively. "I don't think so," I persisted. "Front fanny," she said, more convincingly. "I don't know about the derivation. I'm Australian. I haven't read that much Elizabethan pornography!" Me neither--I've been too busy with The Starr Report.

Anyway, for queens seeking yet more porno pointers, let me close by revealing what all those coded words and phrases on gay chat lines really mean, quinny not among them. "I'm a versatile top"--I'm a bottom. "I'm a generous sugar daddy"--I'll give you unlimited access to a shriveled dick. "I have a swimmer's body"--I look like Godzilla, but if pushed into a pool, I can doggie paddle to the end. "I'm all-American"--I had a nose job. "I've never been fucked"--I've never been fucked by you. "I'm married, bisexual, and live on Long Island, but can travel"--I'm gay and live in Chelsea, but you gotta have a gimmick. "There are seven of us here and we're looking for an eighth"--We're so coked out, we need someone to help us get it up again, please. "I've been partying"--I need something in my mouth for the next six hours to make sure I don't swallow my own tongue. "I'm into lots of body contact"--I'll push you away. "Macho guys only"--I'm wearing a dress, your grace. "I have an athletic build"--I'm a sumo wrestler. "I've got 9 1/2 uncut"--I think leaving all the lights off is so much hotter, don't you? "Seeking someone affectionate"--I just landed from outer space. "Bareback only"--bareback only.

Now get off your quinny and see Happiness.

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