Idol Speculation

Notes on Hypothetical Hollywood

Q: What do you think of Ambersons today, looking back?

Welles: Everybody knows it's a masterpiece. Smooth sailing. I'm still in awe of myself, making that when I was, what, 21?

Q: 27.

Olaf Hajek

Welles: Well, hey, ask me about It's All True.

Q: How about it?

Welles: What do you think, a masterpiece. Damn lucky with the footage of the erupting volcano.

Q: I'll say. You've been lucky a lot of times.

Welles: If you want to call it luck. I started young, brilliant, and handsome. I got to marry Rita Hayworth, Catherine Deneuve, Nastassja Kinski and Salma Hayek—

Q: And divorce them—

Welles: And divorce them. I've made 32 of the best movies in the world— many say, and I agree, that the middle five hours of my Proust film is the greatest artistic endeavor ever completed by a human being— without any production problems whatsoever, I've made a billion dollars. You call that luck?

Q: And you've stayed healthy and trim.

Welles: I'm 83, and could kick your ass.

Q: Indeed, you spearheaded the whole fitness craze with your 1981 exercise video, Too Much Orson, which I must say keeps me mesmerized, no matter how many times I work out with it. The surreal perspectives, the expressionistic lighting, the compositions— quite Riefenstahlian.

Welles: Oh, it's better than that.

Q: What're you working on now?

Welles: The Paradiso. Thought it's about time to wrap that whole magilla up.

Q: We've been waiting.

Welles: Yeah. I play God again. —Herb Carter

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