By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
He dissolved into his customary self-mocking giggles, but I was already way beyond the ketchup, ranch dressing, and coleslaw revelations and on to more appetizingly wondering when David and his fiancée and Scream costar Courteney Cox are getting married already. (I live for this shit.) "We're going to have a millennium wedding on December 31st," David deadpanned, "and if you believe that, I've got some stock I want to sell you. A white, gay wedding. We're gonna switch over as Armageddon sets in. We're getting hitched!" He went into another giggly fit, but after he insisted to me that Regis and Kathie Lee are actually fun ("They're harmless. They're not spiteful or anything"), I furiously ripped off my wristband and our conference was over.
Inquiring minds who still want to know should pick up The Globeand learn just how illustrious it is to be a former Clinton accuser. Way in the back, there have been ads for an exciting new entrepreneurial venture the Paula JonesCelebrity Psychic Network, which is the inevitable next step after Jessica Hahn's similarly dazzling attempt at scandal-gal prognostication. The ad features a photo of Paula's new face alongside the motto, "Accurate answers from gifted and caring psychic advisors." Maybe she should have just run off with that check from Abe Hirshfeld.
Perhaps the most accurate answers of all came on that E! special about scandal queen Lauren Chapin you know, Kitten on Father Knows Best who revealed that, as a big-time junkie, she prostied herself to up to 30 tricks a night, wantonly selling Kitten's kitty, as it were. Not anymore, of course; these days, Chapin's a devout preacher and actually ended the documentary by looking heavenward and saying, "Father really does know best." Oy.
And now I'm turning off the power, so you must all put down your cameras and leave and not with any of my music!