By Steve Weinstein
By Bryan Bierman
By Lindsey Rhoades
By Chaz Kangas
By Ben Westhoff and Sarah Purkrabek
By Jena Ardell
By Jesse Sendejas Jr.
By Katherine Turman
Sex in American music videos is limited to jokey or "social commentary" snippets. But some Brits at Palm Pictures have just put out a real porno, Suck It and See, complete with soundtrack CD on Pussyfoot Records. Oddly enough, there's not much suck (i.e., oral), and palms aren't focused on.
Palm calls the film an "homage to 1970's softcore porn classics," probably due to its semblances of plotnowhere to be found in '90s porn, which uses more advanced concepts such as Internet cameras in toilets. The Girl with cute flippety hair arrives at airport, is leered at by The Sleazy Businessman, who looks like a cross between Kraftwerk's uncles and nuclear power mogul Mr. Burns. TG is met by a squirrelly Backstreet Boy lookalike. The Boy has a chauffeur so he can fornicate The Girl in the car, saving valuable time. The Boy swims naked in a pool while The Girl and The Blond Girl have sex in a saunahey, as non sequiturs go it beats The Magical Mystery Tour. TB, TG, and TBG go to a motel so sleazy that the pages of their Gideons are stuck together. We soon see they're constructing integrated circuits. No, they're doing volunteer work for the Red Cross...okay, okay, they're bonking and filming it. The sexiness deteriorates from here. I don't mean to sound shallow and horny, but it is porn, right?
Most of the film's music is on the second disc of the soundtrack CD, but the first disc's straightforward house jacking is better. Daddy longlegs's "Atomic Fuck Machine" sounds like a party with some annoying robot host stopping the music to shout "blleeee-ee-ee, brprprprpr, whir-rr-rr-rr, ee-EEEE." Fantastic Plastic Machine's "Green Door" has an ethereal whiteSoul II Soul quality. But "Only If It Hurts" by Howie B. is the track I've listened to most, thanks to freaky-assed jerky computer barks and clanky percussion. And it's on during the steamy all-girl sex scene.