NY Mirror

The other star presenter, the rosy Margaret Cho, told the crowd, "They say certain smells bring you back to your childhood. Well, the smell that brings meback is balls in panty hose!" I got all nostalgic as I caught a waft of that very scent emanating from my own Hanes-covered crotch. The biggest balls-in-panty-hose honor of the night-Best Drag Queen-went to the awards' cohost, Hedda Lettuce, who said, "This is a complete fix-I mean shock. All the baby kissing, cock sucking, and finger fucking finally paid off!" For some of us.

If I can get back to Oscar territory-sort of-that Austin Powersflick is the gayest thing ever at the local cineplex! The Unibrow creature verges on homophobic, but Dr. Evil and Mini-Me make up the queer love story of the year, and the fisting jokes, three-way scenario, Elvis Costellosinging the female point of view on "I'll Never Fall in Love Again," and Dr. Evil snarling "Don't go there, girlfriend!" add intriguingly to the lavender subtext.

Biting my pinky, I recently re-ported Queer Watch activist Bill Dobbs's complaint that Elton Johndid a benefit for the University of Wyoming, which doesn't have a nondiscrimination policy regarding sexuality. In response, Elton's publicist called to tell me that the benefit was actually for, among other things, the University of Wyoming's Fund for the Matthew Shepard Chair of Civil Liberties. Also, a rep of the university sent me their Mission Statement, which expresses a definite nondiscriminatory slant. Alas, the Wyoming branch of the ACLU says this isn't legally binding, and Dobbs reveals that documents supplied to him by the university's Employment Practices Office don't mention sexuality issues at all. Why, oh, why, Wyoming?

Rounding out the gayola week, I was relieved to see the luscious Ricky Martin tell New York magazine that his privacy door is locked. (I guess that means we won't get any more of those carefully planted items about his girlfriends, courtesy of the same label that once told George Michael to bolt the door.) I was also thrilled to come across that bare-assed, lip-licking Brad Pitt spread in Mandate-I mean W. Oh, and as for that royal wedding, God save the queen-I mean Edward.