By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
By Roy Edroso
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
By Zachary D. Roberts
A really wild, wanton night in Giuliani-era New Yorkyou know, Pleasantvilleinvolves scouring a deserted pier for a shred of a good time, only to crawl home in abject defeat to watch Golden Girlsreruns. That happened to a friend of mineall right, to mewhen Squeeze Box, the longtime multisexual rock night Fridays at Don Hill's, morphed into a Wednesday party called Cap'n Krunch! at the Frying Pan, an endearingly ramshackle boat docked at a narrow Chelsea pier right out of I Know What You Did Last Summer. I'd heard that the opening night was enchantépartly because drag performer Justin Bond was visibly making out with a five-foot-tall, female-to-male transsexual on the deckbut by week two when I got there, the event turned out to be a three-hour tour. The dock was emptier than theaters showing Shiloh 2, the vessel having been raided during some other party and shut down for serving a minor. And now Squeeze Box, where the Courtney Loves rocked on with the Miss Guys, might be squeezed out, and Krunch crunchedthough the promoters are looking for a new home, maybe back at Don Hill's. Mr. Mayor, you are so cute, the way you continually fuck with my schedule!
The Roxy, at least, is open, but the perennial dance palace now has ominous signs in the bathroom saying the management has "absolutely zero tolerance for anyone using or possessing G.H.B., Blue Nitro, Revivarent or Renewtrient. These drugs induce coma and cardiac arrest!" For many, so did those signs.
In a similarly restrictive vein, Unicornthe Chelsea video haven which used to only carry gay pornnow has almost as few shelves of it as there are unattached five-foot female-to-male transsexuals running around. As a result of itsRudy-awakening, the joint is suddenly filled with kiddie cartoons, Red Skelton shows, Cantinflas movies, and a video tour of the Holy Land called Where Jesus Walkedall positioned about eight-and-a-half inches away from a handful of titles like Big Brazilian Dicks! Well, our priggish mayor isn't going to douse myboogie nights. Bugs Bunny is starting to look kind of hot to me.
Speaking of sexual merchif I can go international hereEyes Wide Shutis designed to remind us that Tom and Nicoleare positively on fire as a twosome, but guess what Nicole told Good Housekeeping? "I wish we could say we're this wild kind of strange couple. But I think if you were a fly on the wall, you'd fall asleep watching us." Even before Golden Girls.
Keep your eyes wide shut for Geri Halliwell's snoozy, mambo-flavored "Look at Me," which has alreadybeen banned from music stores and replaced by Cantinflas records. The tune sounds like a Shirley Basseydinner-theater reject from the '60s, and no amount of girl powerespecially toned-down, tasteful, I-care-about-fibroids-and-starving-children girl powercould have stopped it from bombing clamorously. I guess just wanting to be a star isn't good enoughbut hey, she's still big in Europe.
In America, my office cubicle is a glittering shrine to Britney Spears, the teen pop queen who, in omnipresent videos, appealingly veers from slutty Catholic school girl to vixeny waif-next-door. At a Britney bash at B-Bar, the guy who duets with her on tour seemed to understand her tantalizing textures. "She's sexy and sweet," he told me. "But she's 17. Next year she'll be really good." Thisnight, everyone was busy speculating about Britney's rapidly blossoming breasts, one guest loudly musing that some girls' boobs grow naturally when they're on the pill. While considering that, I pushed, shoved, and pinched nipples to nab an encounter with the busty belle, who looked appalled, then blank, then perky, all within a five-second span. All smiles, I asked her if she's ever met that other famous ex-Mouseketeer, Annette Funicello. "No, but I'd love to," Britney said, dutifully. Does she ever see grown men in her audience getting off on her, um, talent? "Sometimes," she said. (Hey, that's the name of her current hit record!) Doesn't that creep her out a bit? "No, not really,"Britney concluded, as I went home to play my Ricky Martin records. Muppets From Space got me out of the house again, and amazingly it's yet anotherkiddie product with a free- spirited, sexy message. At one point, Gonzo tells his peers, "Thanks for accepting me as an alien. It's not a choicebut all my life I've felt leanings." I cried; the words could have been coming from George Michael!
In her hilarious and uplifting I'm the One That I Wantshow, Margaret Cho comes outas a fag hagbut sexuality-wise takes the Camryn Manheimroute, saying she tried lesbianism once and failed. (As a standup comedian on an Olivia cruise, Cho messily bedded a woman, "and I thought, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized I'm just slutty. Where's myparade?") The tack-sharp comic deserves a whole armadaand not on a Chelsea pierjust for taking us through her rough years starring in a demoralizing TV series, being forced to lose weight, and becoming so perennially bombed that she gave folks "lots of unnecessary head" in order to be loved back ("It was my version of the mint on the pillow").