By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
Hi-dee-hie, as my fave character on South Park used to say. What to make of this? Name's kind of dull. Still, what was she gonna call it, Godot? Say, how about Balk? Or Bulk, since at 254 pages, from opening splash of Crème De La Crème ads to herself's coy toodle-oo, the preem ish could take the Neiman-Marcus catalogue in a bar fight.
The first surprise, though, is how much text predominates over graphics in a design that varies from the cover's Euro-cheesy to the inside's pure Wisconsin. The surfeit of lengthy feature articles, running-off-at-the-mouth columns, and lesser natterings all jostling for jump space in Talk's clutter leave Thomas Pynchon looking like a greeting-card writer. Magazines should be a single meal, from antipasto to dessert; you picture this one dominating the refrigerator like a Thanksgiving turkey in mid December, the family sitting down to sandwiches in another morose attempt to finish it off at last.
By Tina's lights, whatever isn't worth overdoing isn't worth doing. But since she (a) does know good writing, even if they aren't on a first-name basis, and (b) does value journalism that gets to the bottom of things, even if she'd rather it made a splash on the way, Talk isn't all idle chatter. In fact, if she needs a blurb, here's mine: it's boring in a different way than other magazines are boring. Qualitywise, the serious pieces are acute in inverse ratio to their subjects' obviousness, from a Tucker Carlson profile of Bush the Younger that's revealing mainly for the way Carlson falls under the spell he's attempting or affecting to elucidate to Charles Bowden's sociological gem about the young Mexicanas drawn to Juárez's factories by the post-NAFTA economy. One annoyance is an incurable fondness for horses' mouths on the editrix's part that apparently precludes looking in them; in particular, former UNSCOM head Richard Butler's description of his frustrated efforts to disarm Iraq is minatory enough to leave you yearning for the sort of corroborating evidence that a participant's account, by definition, can't give. In other words, it's a piece that should have been done by a reporter, at whatever cost in buzz.
And who gives a rat's patootie, I hear you holler, speaking of buzz. Despite the Clinton fatigue that's rapidly becoming the late-'90s answer to Epstein-Barr, you want to scoot straight to the Hillary interview which your eyes and fingers crave, even as your poor old brain says no más. (Tina has trained us well.) But I'm going to make you suffer as I suffered. Seemingly assembled in a last-minute panic, the front of the book is a debacle through which one wades like an extra in Saving Private Ryan, alternately sidestepping the fallen and praying for the bullet that will end it all. After a photo-op special styled "First Talk" and devoted this time to what the famous wear to prizefights, although thinking of James Woods as a fashion plate is more likely to inspire you to buy a dishwasher than a suit the reader lurches onto a darkling plain of tidbits, swept together under the vapid rubric "The Conversation." Among other things, Tina is the David Attenborough of editors, letting us share the beautiful moment when a vogue word pupates into a cliché; "conversation," of course, is Clintonese for monologue.
Conversating away in top form is the inimitable but who'd want to? James Atlas, clearly a scallop among shrimp if not quite a giant among men in this company. Grim experience having persuaded him that all sorts of mere "people with regular jobs," from lawyers to hairdressers to (save us!) travel agents, now behave like celebrities, Atlas explains: "The reason I know this is because [sic] this new class has adopted one of the primary emblems of a high place on the social ladder: inaccessibility. As a journalist who makes a living interviewing people, I see this. The more in demand someone becomes, the more trouble I have getting them on the phone. It's ironic, given how connected we all are now. . . . " And so on, giving reader if not writer numerous insights into the real reason no one wants to return Atlas's phone calls, as he builds to this heartrending shriek: "We're less valuable than the people who serve us."
When you finally reach Hillary, you collapse with a sob. At this late date, I don't see how a single citizen of the indispensable nation can get it up to be scandalized by her bid to blame her husband's busted zipper on the traumas lil' Bill suffered at the hands of two women now dead, since both Clintons are not only shameless but adept at using therapeutic cant to avoid calling anything their fault. It's still fun when she starts denouncing our hyena time "the way we sort of strip away everyone's sense of dignity, of privacy" in the middle of a profile that doesn't just expose her innermost uncandid feelings about Bill's infidelity, an intimacy I'd bet anything was the quid pro quo for the cover's boost to her Senate campaign. The real if implicit scoop, given a preliminary drumroll by HRC chief of staff Melanne Verveer's heroically unembarrassed comment that "We've slowly seen a physical passion come back into their lives" and reaching crescendo in the final image of the First Couple striding bedroomward hand in hand, is the hot news that Bill and Hillary are fucking again. Stop the presses! Start the Magic Fingers!