I Am Butt Girl, Hear My Ass Roar!

Thoughtful questions: "Any suggestions about how to sweeten the anal area?"

"Hi, I'm calling about this anal sex month, so is there a party or something?" "At this workshop, will there be demonstrations?" "Are you selling tickets for the anal performance?" "Do the students get to try out the anal sex?" "If I wanted a private lesson, uh, for me and my, uh, wife, with this woman, how much does that go for?"

As soon as the ad hit the streets, the phone was ringing. My Toys in Babeland coworkers were less than pleased to answer obnoxious questions all day— mantra response for the week: "No live sex acts!" Geez, print two little words— ANAL SEX— and the weirdos and freaks come out of the woodwork. "Introduction to Anal Pleasure," the seminar based on my book The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women (Cleis Press), sold out so quickly we added a second class for another 34 students. Everyone I work with was waiting to see who were among the preregistered, because if they were anything like the heavy breathers on the phone, I was gonna have my hands full.

The crowd was actually a nice mix, mostly straight men, but very well-behaved. They were attentive and asked thoughtful questions.

"Any suggestions about how to sweeten the anal area?"

Well, some people like the taste of butthole. You could try a flavored lubricant like I-D Juicy Fruit. The Vanilla Creme is delish.

"How does one go about removing the hair from the anal area?"

Use the same methods you would to remove hair from the bikini line— shaving with razors or clippers, waxing, electrolysis. Skip Nair, which shouldn't be used in the genital area. This question tapped into one of my secret pleasures— I love to shave my ass. I am so familiar with every millimeter of my ass— all the puckered flesh and tiny, sensitive folds— that I can shave it with a brand-new razor, without a mirror. I love the way my ass (and my pussy for that matter) feels when it's been freshly shaved— smooth and soft and new. I love the danger of doing it and the results of a job well done. I love the thought of someone pulling down my panties, bending me over, and thinking, "What a nicely shaved asshole she has." And since my lover is such a fag when it comes to grooming, I know she notices and appreciates it.

Of course, I am a professional and wouldn't dare recommend that any of you try this at home.

My favorite question of the evening articulated a new battle of the sexes: "When I ask a woman to have anal sex, she says, 'Let me fuck you in the ass, then you can do it to me.' What should I do?"

Well, after the disclaimer that no one should force anyone else to do something they do not want to do, I gave it to this guy straight. Let her fuck you in the ass. You might be surprised to see how good it feels. Men do have a prostate gland, and when stimulated, it can rock your world. So let her explore your back door, then you can do hers.

That's another thing I love about my area of expertise: the butthole can be the great equalizer— everyone has one. It is the most democratic of our orifices. We can all experience what it feels like to be pitcher or catcher on the butthole diamond. And no one can accuse you of anus envy.

There was a guy who brought an attaché case of sex toys, which he wanted to show me. (I looked them over, told him my favorite was the dildo he can strap to his face.) Another fellow asked me incessantly about swingers parties and sex clubs. And then there was the shy, nerdy one who sat in the front row, took notes, and lingered long after it was over, asking question after question, desperate to be teacher's pet. In another time, this lanky, Jewish, bespectacled boy would have been just my type of guy— submissive and just dying to get fucked in the ass— but I'm just not there anymore.

Nearly all my students at this particular workshop had good boundaries, but that's not always the case. I have been crowned Butt Girl by the masses, and I happily accept the title, but come on, can I get a little respect, please? I have tried to make my workshops accessible to a variety of women and men, lesbian, bi, gay, straight, trannie, young, old, sex-positive, sex-neutral, sex-curious. I think accessibility is crucial in sexual education, and especially crucial when the topic is one like anal sex— a part of sexuality still shrouded in mystery for some, laced with misinformation, myth, taboo, and shame for many. Rather than being a coolly aloof, knowledgeable expert, I take a different approach, infusing my instruction with adoration, enthusiasm, and curiosity. I want my students to know that I love— really love— my subject in the hopes of encouraging them to love it too.

This decision has produced pleasures and pitfalls. The pleasures include all the women and men I have met around the country who have benefited from my book and workshop, who relish anal sex, and who are coming out and talking about it. Complete strangers tell me about their secret love of anal sex, their anal experiences, desires, fears, anxieties, and fantasies. People have told me why they love to do it, how they love to do it, when they love to do it, and with whom (or what) they love to do it. Plus, people will ask me questions they wouldn't ask anyone— not a lover, friend, parent, doctor. I'm happy to hear them because it means people are finally talking out loud about butt love.

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