King smut

When I was growing up, my friend Wesley's dad drove a black El Camino and resembled the Unabomber long before such a look was fashionable. We started going to his apartment after school because there were never any parents there and because the place was stocked with soda, Pop Rocks and those 10-for-a-dollar Little Debbie snack cakes that my parents deemed not much better than crack.

In fifth grade we were exposed to cheap thrills of a whole different flavor: Out of his dad's sock drawer, Wesley pulled out a porn tape starring someone named Seka. Growing up at 30 frames per second was full of nauseous excitement.

Throughout junior high and high school I was able to steer clear of porn and nurture other self-destructive habits, like extensive Depeche Mode listening. In 11th grade I was offered a copy of a homemade porn tape featuring an infamous skateboarding classmate. As if that wasn't enough reason to decline, he told me that his girlfriend wasn't completely conscious during the filming.

Going to college was like visiting Wesley's all over again. My friends had rented a large student house in Sound Beach while going to Stony Brook. Little Debbie snack cakes had been replaced by slightly more, um, collegiate brainfood. In the living room I noticed a stack of videotapes labeled "X rated #1," "X rated #2" and so on, with highlights of a bunch of porn films from the '70s and '80s. No one would admit to knowing who made them or where they came from. Everyone just sat around watching them.

Now that life no longer centers around systematically indulging in what was once forbidden, bohemian student living has been replaced by something more respectable. So those who wish to get in touch with themselves, so to speak, are going to have to visit the upstanding merchants of adult-themed films.

Here are three establishments where you can indulge a well-balanced diet fortified by filth:

X Dreams
264 Suburban Ave., Deer Park
516-242-8002

As the man behind the desk gave a caller the complex directions to get here, I couldn't help feeling like I'd stumbled upon some secret Contra bachelor-party supply depot. Suburban Ave. is a long way from Pleasant Valley: X Dreams is concealed in a dreary gray industrial park in a difficult-to-navigate sector of Deer Park. Inside however, it's party central.

Once you walk through the door you are greeted by a wall of paramilitary-looking dildos and by pulsing house music emanating from a shady-looking hallway marked "Live Girls." The shop features dense wall-to-wall shelves of various hardcore, from the usual Nasty Nymphsand Cream Pie #4 to a fetish section strong on intense S/M tapes with names like Humiliation and Alien Probe. One truly frightening film called 666 seemed to be about the sexual torture heaped on two innocents abducted by a Satanic cult— innocents with bad boob jobs, mind you.

X Dreams' classics section is particularly strong, with a plethora of perniciously pleasing old-school hits including Debbie Does Dallas, Deep Throatand Behind the Green Door.

112 Video
1761 Route 112, Medford
516-758-9292

The Island's best video store for horror, animation and independents also has a pretty comprehensive adult section. Through those oh-so-discreet Western-style saloon doors you can find your usual collection of hardcore porn and so much more.

There's a shelf just busting with Russ Meyer sexploitation classics like Faster Pussycat! Kill Kill! and Cherry, Harry & Raquel. The soft-core exotica of the Emmanuelleseries is also in the house, as is a series called Blue Vanities, which culls clips from vintage stag films, arcade nudes and European peepshow loops from the '30s through '60s. They also have a section called "LI Ladies," featuring amateur tapes from "the women you see in the supermarket." Hmmm.

There is also a section called "Foreign Erotica," so if you ever wanted to rent something called Die Nichtender Frau Oberest, this is the place for you, Franz.

Xpressions
2400 North Ocean Ave., Farmingville
516-698-4848

This place is nestled between a Taco Bell and a McDonald's, and while I doubt the fare here is much better for your overall well-being than the junk food next door, at least at this Kmart-sized porn warehouse you can have it your way.

Xpressions is kind of weak on the classics but makes up for that with variety. Whether you're looking for Gothic Whore or Transsexual Hookers #2, this place has it. Bonus points for sizeable gay, she-male and fetish sections, the latter whose boxes featured images of toes going places I had never imagined possible.

However, it was kind of weird to hear employees discussing what they're getting their kids for their birthdays while shelving copies of Ass-buster 7. I guess it's not quite Kmart yet, where that kind of loose talk is reserved for the back room.

 
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