NY Mirror

Miss America contestants might soon be able to take the brown wrapper off their sex lives, and I think it's absolutely appalling! Not only shouldn't abortions be allowed to tarnish this hallowed institution, but officials should check to see that the girls still have their hymens, and also probe their rectums and other orifices for any signs of wrongdoing. If the pageant insists on being so permissive, they should at least ID the girls on the show: "Mary Smith. Three divorces, five abortions, two yeast infections." My favorite contestant on this year's pageant was the finalist who smiled her way through "Stormy Weather," clearly thinking it's an upbeat wowser. And that wasn't her only contradiction; the girl's platform was "drug prevention," but in her final q&a, she said people should leave George W. Bush alone about his rumored drug use because, basically, who cares! She lost (though I'm sure a Golden Trailer Trash award is headed her way)!

I don't know if they're in the trailer, but lavender themes do crop up fascinatingly in that bitter satire American Beauty. Kevin Spacey's character is thought to be gay by someone— "You have the wrong idea," Spacey insists— and a guy who is queer apparently goes psycho from the self-loathing. Also, Spacey's character admits that his marriage "is just for show— a commercial for how normal we are, when we're anything but." In his next movie, The Big Kahuna, Spacey plays "a traveling industrial lubricant salesman."

A commercial for diva denial, Diana Ross got busted last week for that reciprocal breast-grabbing, and I hear she behaved très amusingly at the recent MTV awards too— accidentally sitting in Madonna's seat, repeatedly telling her son to stop picking his nose, and then gleefully grabbing Li'l Kim's, well, breast. But Diana is a goddess and can act however she likes in my book (you know, Call Me Miss Ross). Then again, this column was underwritten by Motown.

e-mail: musto@villagevoice.com

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