The XXX Files

The night I went to the Flea to see Lava Love, the extraordinary dance-cum-circus-performance full of death-defying feats by strong, luscious ladies, I spotted Sigourney Weaver in the audience. She was dressed in a red leather jacket and a fabulous black knee-length leather skirt that showed off her long, long legs. Her creamy skin glowed even after the houselights went down. I told a friend, "Sigourney Weaver is definitely on my top 10 list of celebrities I'd like to fuck." She replied, "Oh, I think she's like in the top three for me."

Stardom is alluring, powerful, undeniably sexy. Stars are often stars because they have palpable magnetism; we are drawn to them because of their charisma and also because of their fame and status. Stars are irresistible fantasy receptacles since the media lets us get to "know" them through Barbara Walters cryfests and E! True Hollywood Story exposés. Stars are easy targets on which we can stick our desires and fantasies. And besides all that, fantasizing about fucking celebrities is fun. Acting out those fantasies can also be a great exercise in erotic role-playing: When was the last time you played Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 9 1/2 Weeks, or Phantom of the Operawith your lover?

I didn't actually have a celebrity lust list, but many stars came to mind when I decided to do one. (Of course, a few didn't make it into the final 10; my apologies to Kim Delaney, Dylan McDermott, and Marge Simpson.) Herewith is my list of stars (or the characters they've played) whom I'd like to fuck:

Pee-wee Herman: He exudes a kind of naive, frenetic, giddy joy that inspires in me a desire to treat him like the little boy he exemplifies. First, I'd dress him up in a beanie with a propeller on top and a boy's suit that has shorts instead of pants. Then I'd sit on Chairy, put Pee-wee over my knee, and spank him while all the characters in the playhouse watched. Pee-wee would have two sets of rosy cheeks after I was done with him.

Charlie's Angels: I'd limit this all-girl slumber party orgy to the original trio of Farrah Fawcett, Jaclyn Smith, and Kate Jackson plus Cheryl Ladd, who played Jill's sister Kris after Farrah left the show. We'd do each other's makeup and hair, get all dressed up in sexy '70s detective wear, and reenact the episode where they go undercover at the circus. Kris, restrained to a board with leather straps, gets knives thrown at her. Then we'd all tear off her skimpy red sequined bodysuit and gang-bang her until she screamed. Then we'd tell Charlie the details over the speakerphone as Bosley listened, horrified.

Fox Mulder: I have a thing for men with big noses, and David Duchovny has the best schnoz (Peter Berg of Chicago Hope is a close second). Men with big noses have the potential to be exemplary muffdivers, but most of them are still unaware of how to use their noses as a sex organ; I would teach Agent Mulder to apply his undying curiosity about aliens and persistent pursuit of them to the art of pussy licking. Perhaps Agent Scully would join us for a training session or two. Fox, the truth is in there, keep looking.

John Cameron Mitchell as Hedwig: From the moment Mitchell walked on the Jane Street Theater stage, where I saw Hedwig and the Angry Inch, I was smitten. Hedwig is one of the most glamorous, complex, tragic trannie rocker-grrrls ever created. That electrifying voice, those knobby knees, that slutty wig. Seeing her in a trashy denim skirt and cowboy boots leaves me breathless and itching to bend her over a park bench and fuck her in the ass.

Kramer: This wacky neighbor appeals to me because I think that laughing during sex is a great idea, one often underexplored. Of course, Kramer could make almost anyone laugh. The trick with him is that he's constantly in motion-you have to restrain him in some way; otherwise he'll get away. Once he'd been captured and perhaps tied to railroad tracks, I would stand over him all dominatrix-like, drink gallons of water, and vaguely threaten him. I think the dialogue would be so funny, he'd make me pee my pants. Except I wouldn't be wearing any pants.

Madonna: I am just dying to know what Madonna is really like in bed. Does she like all that s/m stuff she pretends to in her videos? What about cross-dressing? She's got a drop-dead gorgeous body, so even boring sex wouldn'tbe that bad. I think she probably has a few tricks up her sleeve. Since she's now on a spirituality kick, maybe an intense tantric sex journey with the Material Girl is in order.

Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins: These two are candidates for the ultimate three-way. I just adore them for being so radical, so outspoken, so queer for a straight couple. I love when they call each other "partner" in the press, because it's so unsettling to the mainstream media. They are both so smart and seductive on and off screen. She is simply one of the sexiest women alive: She's brainy and busty, and her fiery red hair makes me melt. He's got that nerdy sensitive feminist guy thing working, and I bet he's pretty kinky in bed. Together they'd be the erotically charged intellectual romp of my dreams.

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