NY Mirror

What three bloopers happened the night I saw the Sondheim"review" Putting It Together? (My idol Carol Burnetttripped up on her lightning-paced "Not Getting Married Today" lyrics, George Hearnmissed a musical cue, and Bronson Pinchotheard a buzzing noise, stopped his song, and made a fart joke—but at least those spontaneous moments brought some realness to the impossibly contrived show.)

And now for a sexuality-guessing bonus: Who are gaydar sirens ringing about so loudly, it's practically like the sound of screaming queens? In other words, what stars are very close friends of Dorothy, if mass gay intuition can be trusted? A whole shitloadof folks, actually, but let's narrow them down to a more manageable sisterhood, shall we? Well, there's that guy who plays a gay, but says he isn't one; a male costar of his; a long-ago Oscar winner; that teen heartthrob who was the subject of one of the above items; that Hispanic boxer; a formerteen heartthrob; the ex?series star who's just resurfaced; that tattletale author; a famous Mormon; that country megastar; three former TV child actors; a married Broadway lead; and that cheesy screen villain. Got that?

illustration by Mitch O'Connell

What superstar drops trou to reveal an apparently fake dingaling in his next film?

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And now, should I end this column like Saturday Night Fever, which, after a priest's self-defrocking, a gang rape, a suicide, and a fixed contest, trots out a peppy reprise of the high-stepping disco score for a jaunty clapalong? Maybe not.