By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
The votes are in, the tongues are out, and the 1999 Felix Awards go to . . . The Year in Queer: jerry falwell's 'National Liberty Journal' outed Tinky Winky as a gay menace, Falwell railed against Anheuser-Busch for a same-sex ad in a St. Louis gay mag, 'The Jenny Jones Show' was told to cough up $25 million for supposedly humiliating a guy into killing his gay admirer, Columbine High teen murderers were generally dismissed by the media as gayish geeks and losers (echoing their schoolmates' sentiments), and Abner Louima was derided by his abuser's lawyer as a gay sex freak with a propensity for kinky self-punishment. I give upget me a beard.
Oh, One More Big Sex Scandal: Calvin Klein's ads of kids frolicking in their underwear were instantly pulled, thanks to the righteous response of pissed-off Puritans. But the kids weren't even that hunky!
Myth Thing: Kevin Spacey came out as hetero in Playboy, setting the record straightand continuing to loudly do so. (He made out with women in public and flirted with one on a talk show.) How depressing! That means that all the people I know who've told me about guys Spacey's dated, done, or come on to are utter, complete liars with a reckless disregard for real life! I must stop hanging out with such disreputable, cowardly worms!
No More, Please: "You go, girl!" (for the fourth year in a row), people making visual quote marks as they speak, musical Gap ads, "diva" (for the 40th year in a row), Giuliani being offended by everything except real offense, media hype about the casting of the Charlie's Angels movie (Gone With the Wind this ain't), Kathie Lee Gifford getting Sondheim to change his lyrics (effin'works better for her than goddamn? Well, how about the fact that the whole effin' songand showis about a marriage wrecked by disinterest and infidelity?), Celine Dion duetting with dead people, Celine Dion duetting with live people, Celine Dion doing solos, Garth Brooks as Chris Gaines.
The Year's Most Engaging and/or Powerful Movies: (in alphabetical order) Austin PowersThe Spy Who Shagged Me, Being John Malkovich, The Blair Witch Project, Boys Don't Cry, Edge of Seventeen, Election, Man on the Moon( but only for Jim Carrey's performance), South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncutthough they all paled next to the large schlong in Any Given Sunday.
Rottenest Movies: Anna and the King, Eyes Wide Shut, The Haunting, Jakob the Liar (a/k/a Life Is Maudlin), Magnolia, The Other Sister, Star Wars: Episode IThe Phantom Menace, Stigmata, and The Straight Story. Then again, I didn't see Baby Geniuses.
Lousiest Actors: Juliette Lewis in The Other Sister(a little too convincing for my taste), Patricia Arquette in Stigmata(bleed, bitch, bleed!), the kid in Big Daddy(actually played by twins, both irritating beyond belief).
Worst Anything of the Year: (tie) Jar Jar Binks, encephalitis.
Most Chilling Quote: "I hope this doesn't ruin your trading day"Mark Barton's sardonic remark as he opened fire in a stock brokerage office. It did.
Barbara Walters Made a Big Mistake: The pursed-lipped interviewer claimed, during the very same chitchat, that she didn't know what phone sex is, and also later found herself unable to say orgasm. Honey, I bet she knows what a monster dick is, as well as how to pronounce the words "Plow me all night, macho warrior!" (Note to Barbara: See Any Given Sunday.)
Huh?: O.J. Simpson called 911, supposedly desperate to save his lady friend from going on a drug binge with some other guy. O.J. Simpson doing an intervention? Compassionately trying to reach out to a troubled young woman and get her some much needed help? Puhleeeeze! If this guy was Pinocchio, he'd be well hung.
Quadruple Huh?: The father of Monica Lewinskyyeah, her againcomplained that Law & Order: Special Victims Unit used Lewinskyas a verb connoting oral sex. Said he, choosing his words poorly, "It's not right that she be dragged down to the floor again!"
The Year's Grossest Gross-Out Humor: The steaming stool sample in Austin Powers, the Satan-fucking in the South Park movie,the toilet incident in American Pie, the Siamese twins throwing up in the john in Twin Falls Idaho, the Iraqi with the map up his ass in Three Kings, Brad Pitt peeing in the soup in Fight Club, Tom Hanks's urination pains in The Green Mile, Jerry Falwell trying to make up with the gay community.
Most Bizarre Slide Shown Before a Movie I Saw: "Become an egg donor!" Come on, is that really the kind of life-changing decision you want to contemplate while sitting waiting for Deuce Bigalowor any diversionary trifleto start? A recommendation for a brick-oven pizza restaurant is about all I could handle. (And my eggs are all gone anyway.)
And Furthermore, Here's a Hot Flash: Valerie Harper, Cybill Shepherd, and Diana Ross all lined up to announce that they're in the throes of menopause. Suddenly the traumatic drying up of all menstruation became a glamorous career move!
Cutest Guy in the Whole Wide World by Far: The one who nabbed the million dollars on that Regis show. I want to Lewinsky him!
Carol Burnett's Most Fun Revelations in Her Talk at the 92nd Street Y the Other Night: She made the Putting It Together folks drop the song "Who's That Woman?" because it just wasn't working (better than changing the lyrics); despite that omission, the show has had "some audiences where it's an oil painting"; and halfway through the movie of Annie, you can tell that she got a new chin.
told Cosmopolitan that she simply hadto get nose jobs in order to nab work. "I don't think I would have landed Windwith my first nose," she said. "I don't think you find many Jewish girls on yachts in kind of Ralph Lauren-y settings." Yeah, especially since he changed his name from Lifshitz. Predictions for the Future: Madonna will become an amusement park. Ricky Martin's hips will get stuck. Lucy Liu, who plays Ling on Ally McBeal, will be joined by Lisa Ling, playing Liu. There'll be only one Spice Girl left, but she'll still say, "Hello, everybody, we're the Spice Girls!" Jerry Falwell will get mad again.