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Blowfly
Blowfly Does XXX-Mas
Pandisc  

Picture 2 Live Crew doing Christmas carols. Or better yet, 2 Live Crew doing a girl named Carol during Christmas. This holly-jolly disc gives 14 Christmas songs the gang-bang treatment--and it ain't pretty. When Blowfly gets to the sixth day of the "Twelve Lays of Christmas" he has already had sex with a transvestite, gotten VD and done anal with his sister's friend. The music is simple--Casio keyboard, programmed drums--and the rhymes are uninventive. On "White Christmas," Blowfly starts off with Bing Crosby in bed with his wife. Just when you think he might be getting critical on the farcical "Family-Man Crosby," he starts in about dreaming of a "Tight Christmas," completely missing the opportunity to go off on the crassness of the American Christmas by going for another vagina joke. This is all cussing for cussing's sake, and it gets old real quick. But if Santa craps out this year and you want to get back at your mom, pop this puppy in at the family Christmas dinner. No one will ever forget it. --Bill Jensen


Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics
American/Columbia

Mr. Hankey has become as festively American as Rudolph and Frosty. Now the Christmas season doesn't feel complete without a little something from this nutty little shit and the brats from South Park. Mr. Garrison gets things started with his rollicking "Merry Fucking Christmas," a tribute to non-Christians--"It's Jesus' birthday/So get off your heathen Hindu ass/And fucking celebrate!" "Carol of the Bells" showcases Mr. Mackey's complex nasal drawl as his vox is thickly layered over several vocal tracks. Kyle Broflofski's new version of "The Lonely Jew on Christmas" sparkles with some added verses. Isaac Hayes, aka Chef, gets soulfully sinful with "What the Hell Child is This?" chiming with funk guitars. Mr. Hankey duets with Kenny on "The Most Offensive Song Ever," a mouth-gaping tune about the Virgin Mary. But leave it to fat-boy Cartman to provide the belly laughs. His contribution on "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel" is riotously funny, and his tender and touching "Swiss Colony Beef Log" is a pants-wetter. --Ian D'Giff


Jewel
Joy: A Holiday Collection
Atlantic

It was just a matter of time before Jewel joined the ranks of Christmas-album artists. But this is nowhere near as bad as it could have been. The Alaskan chanteuse will satiate fans with these renditions of holiday classics and originals. The album opens with "Joy to the World," replete with gleeful caroling in sync with Jewel's syrupy vocals. Over a backdrop of jingling sleigh bells, she gives "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" the a cappella treatment, while the upbeat "Go Tell It on the Mountain" showcases a booming gospel choir. The strength and depth of Jewel's vocal ability are best witnessed on "Gloria," a new track in which her angelic cooing soars high above tastefully sparse orchestration. Perhaps the best gift here is the Christmas version of her haunting, sickly-sweet single, "Hands," featuring a warmer sound and the parting holiday reminder that "in the end, only kindness matters." --Akash Goyal


Mary-Kate & Ashley
Cool Yule
Dualstar Records/Kid Rhino

  Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, those twins from that '80s show Full House, slap their name on a Christmas album recorded by some vanilla house musicians and BOOM!--a disaster with nothing musically notable. The twins don't really sing on it, by the way, unless they have the voices of ad agency jingle singers. But don't forget to read the CD booklet, where you'll get a sneak peek at the Mary-Kate & Ashley dolls ("Coming your way Spring 2000!"), Mary-Kate & Ashley's all new video ("Step into high fashion!") and, of course, the Mary-Kate & Ashley video game ("Look who's coming to Game Boy this Holiday Season!"). Can't we give the children something a little more sincere? Happy holidays, suckers. --Greg Hoy


Jimi Hendrix
Merry Christmas And Happy New Year
Experience Hendrix/MCA

Ringo Starr
I Wanna Be Santa Claus
Mercury

  Attention aging hippies: Your seasonal stash has arrived. The folks over at MCA have been releasing mountains of previously unavailable Hendrix paraphernalia recently, but nothing is as novel as this little three-track number. The kindest part is that we get Jimi in two different modes. First, he tears through a "Little Drummer Boy/Silent Night/Auld Lang Syne" medly with his Band of Gypsys, attacking this standard holiday fare with the same enthusiasm and machismo he applied to the "Star Spangled Banner." We also get "Three Little Bears," a track he recorded with the Experience during the Electric Ladyland sessions. It's playful, with Jimi giggling his way through it. Unfortunately, no one will be giggling after hearing Ringo's album, just moaning, groaning and yelling, "Make it stop!" Here, it becomes painfully clear why John, Paul and George used to return to the studio and tweak Ringo's parts behind his back. "Come on Christmas, Christmas Come On" sounds like a throw-away Gary Glitter tune. The title track is typically over-produced and devoid of anything non-abrasive. Nothing else is worth mentioning--and you thought "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" was a buzz kill. --ID

 
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