By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
And there's Question 18: "On the first date Hillary and President Bill Clinton went on together, what did they do? See a movie. Study in the library. Visit the Yale sculpture garden. Eat some pizza." The answer (Rudy's art attacks are, natch, a prime campaign issue): the sculpture garden.
By the way, did you know that the name of Hillary and Bill's first dog was Zeke?
You may have heard how Hillary was alleged to have scammed the commodities market, played fast and loose in real estate, disappeared files in the White House, and even done the nasty with Vince Foster. Trust me. It didn't happen. Read the quiz.
Revealing the nasty side she's been known to display in private, Dubya's mean-minded mom swaggered into the news last week with an interview in the Arizona Republicsavaging John McCain.
"Without sounding like I'm whining, I feel he's had enormous help from the press, because he's become sort of a star figure with them," Barbara Bush whined. "I think they wanted a race, and I think they wanted a Bradley-Gore race, too. . . . It's fun for them. I think they have had a wonderful time."
As for John's being an "outsider," she said, "It's baloney," adding, "That's the silliest thing I ever heard. John just held the biggest fund-raiser in Washington with all the lobbyists, which is not against the law. . . . It is brilliant campaigning to say that he is the outsider. But it's crazy."
Out of Our League
Dumb and Dumber With three presidential candidates hailing from the Ivy League (Bush: Yale; Gore: Harvard; Bradley: Princeton), Melissa Waage, a Princeton undergrad writing in the campus newspaper, the Daily Princetonian, tells readers what it really means to be an Ivy Leaguer: "Elite status in America is a matter of public perception, not of true merit," she argues. "To say that a person is part of an elite is not to say that he or she is better than others; it is merely to say that most people believe that they are better than others. You or I could have slipped through the West College cracks. We could be dumber than the dumbest kid at a non-accredited community college. Nonetheless, since we attend Princeton, people think we're smart." D'oh. Shit Pays
Meanwhile, back in the real world, eco activists might consider this recently released report from the techy, nonprofit Environmental Working Group: Of 14 companies in the big industrial states of Ohio, Michigan, and Pennsylvania found to have violated the Clean Water Act at least once in the last two years, only one was fined by either state or federal regulators. The report quotes an Ohio EPA official as saying, "We are not an enforcement agency."
What are you, then?
Like a roach crawling out of the drain, Paul Weyrich, former New Right stalwart, surfaced just before last week's South Carolina vote to opine that John McCain might be a Manchurian Candidate sponsored by Hanoi. In his e-mail newsletter, the Christian crank claimed that the Khmer Rouge had said that, "for what it's worth," McCain was a Vietnamese agent. You go, Paul. You're headed for the bin!
Additional reporting: Kate Cortesi