The Lesbian Cock

"Closer to God" by Nine Inch Nails blared in the small, smoky club as I slinked down the bar, dressed in a black latex minidress shined to the maximum extent allowed by law. Everywhere I looked there were butches in suits, leatherdykes, and lingerie-clad girls. Teasing the crowd, I toyed with the zipper of my dress. Finally giving in to them, I stripped down to a pair of seven-inch heels and a fire-engine red dick in a red sparkly harness between my legs. Genevieve appeared in a black vintage bustier and Catholic schoolgirl plaid skirt. She kneeled in front of me, took my dick in her mouth. Her bobbed hair bounced freely as the red cock disappeared in the O her lips formed. I pushed her back, grabbed the cock, pulled it out of the harness. Then I dangled it enticingly in front of a cute cowboy from the audience who graciously began to suck it. Genevieve handed me an identical red cock, this one rigged by her with a metal wire running through the middle of it. The tip of the wire was covered in alcohol-soaked cotton. I slipped it through the O-ring of the Wonder Woman harness. With the strike of a match, the end of the cock burst into flames. Then she got down on her knees again. In one motion, she deep-throated the cock, swallowing its flaming head to the amazement of onlookers.

Have no fear: This sizzling scene—oh, and so much more—was captured on film. Unfortunately, what was the high point for me of an outrageous evening didn't even make the final cut. But that's the breaks when you're only the subject—or object—of the game. This particular game is known to all you TV viewers as Real Sex. When an HBO producer first approached me about doing a segment for the cable network's documentary-style show, I had mixed feelings (Hooray! Mainstream media attention! and Yikes! What am I getting myself into?). Of the few episodes I'd seen, one—the piece on porn star turned performance artist Annie Sprinkle—was smart and sexy. Most were goofy (like the so-called "masturbation club meeting," which looked more like a bunch of swingers to me) or blatantly salacious (clips of author Lou Paget's workshop on how to please a man featured repetitive images of women practicing blowjob techniques on lifelike dildos). One was simply ridiculous: The story of a couple who together have "sex" with the high-priced, custom-made "Real Doll" was cheesy and obviously staged with actors.

While the producer was interested in documenting (as documentaries do) some "real" aspect of my sexuality, she definitely had her own agenda when it came to the focus of the story. Of all my interests that we discussed in preliminary meetings—anal sex, s/m, porn for women, lesbian gender identities—she seemed particularly focused on my casual mention of dykes and strap-ons. She zeroed in on that topic as tenaciously as my Boston terrier pulls at the leash for a stray chicken bone on the street. As a lesbian herself, she loved the idea of explaining the complexities of the sapphic sausage and putting those ugly penis-envy myths to rest once and for all on national television. Her phallic preoccupation ruled, and by the time the cameras were finally rolling, my friend Genevieve and I were hosting a lesbian strap-on party and giving sound bites about why we love cocks.

Before you think I was railroaded into this exposé like some Real World cast member prodded into a temper tantrum, Genevieve and I did get to squeeze in a few of our own fetishes. We wooed the crew early in the day, and after seeing two girlie girls like us, I think they expected our friends to show up for the party later that night wearing G-strings and pumps. Since both of us adore butches (and believe that positive representations of them are sorely missing from mainstream media), we packed the club's audience with some fine examples of female masculinity, much to the complete confusion of the entire crew. Instead of lipstick and push-up bras, they got chaps, three-piece suits, and crew cuts. I could see the marketing team months later wondering just what they had on their hands. I mean, a show about lesbian cocks is one thing, almost palatable and certainly titillating when those plastic penises are strapped to superfeminine women. But when we match tomboys and women who look like men with the not-so-gender-neutral attachment, we've got a horse of a different color on our hands. Is Middle America ready for butch dykes in a show about lesbian cocks?

Well, they better be, 'cause here we come! The best part about doing the HBO special was the chance it gave me to make a little history: When will I have another prime-time opportunity to educate the masses about a particularly crucial but mostly misunderstood aspect of lesbian sexuality like strap-ons? Dildos, in one form or another, have been part of lesbian sexuality for a long time. During the '70s and the dreaded Sex Wars among feminists, dildos were considered by separatist and antiporn crusaders to be representations of penises, and therefore literal tools of the patriarchy. Never mind that they felt really good sliding inside our slick pussies—their shape and all its implications made them more politically incorrect than shaving your legs. Today, we're thankfully past all that, and dildos are one of many different sex toys available to women of all sexualities. From the most realistic peckers with balls, circumcised heads, and veins to lavender goddess and kitten dildos, there's something for everyone. We don't need a man to get some dick, and hey, we can actually have as many cocks—from slim and curved to thick and meaty—as our little cunts desire.

A long way from those days of dick-bashing, lesbians now have much better relationships with our penile friends. We embrace our cocks, reclaim our cocks, and, yes, wear our cocks out in public. Dykes are finally proud to say, Yeah, I've got a dick; actually, I've got several. Sometimes I want it to be real; sometimes when I am wearing it, I imagine it is. Other times, it's simply another pleasure tool to get the job done, and I'm happy to toss it on the shelf after it's served me well. And the idea that anyone, regardless of gender or genitalia, can have a cock has the potential to definitely shake things up. It makes those of you equipped with one at birth seem so . . . limited. You've just got the one. I've got an entire drawer full of them.


Watch me and my friends strut our strap-ons forReal Sex #25, on HBO beginning June 17. Check local listings.

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