Your Wife’s Porn

Women are picky when it comes to pornography, as illustrated at a recent gathering where 10 dykes watched DreamQuest, the splashy, expensive new feature produced by Wicked Pictures and Adam and Eve. Considering it was straight porn, these girls were much less squeamish about the excess of blow jobs than I had predicted. They did have plenty to say about manicures, penis size, and the presence of ponies. "I am very impressed—some actual muffdiving, not that fake, snake-tongue shit like in Playboy." "His dick isn't very big; I mean, in the fag porn I've seen, the guys are HUGE." "No no no! Look at her nails. . . . she's not going to put them in that poor girl's ass, is she? . . . Yikes!" "Are those real? I think they're real. Yeah, real, definitely real." "I didn't know so many porn stars had their pussies pierced. Cool." "If I'm gonna look at cocks, I wanna see some unbelievably large ones. I have not seen one yet." "I thought the horses were great."

With the industry hype focused on its quarter-million-dollar budget (one of the most expensive pornos ever made), the producers of DreamQuest are hoping its time has come—time for a sex movie with big-time production values. (Unscripted, bare-bones pornos can be made for as little as $10,000.) A cross between The Princess Bride and Debbie Does the Underworld, DreamQuest is a romantic magical adventure starring Jenna Jameson as Sarah, a woman on a mission to save fantasy from the clutches of a Satan-like creature named Vladimir. On Sarah's journey, she encounters a spider woman and her slave, big-nosed trolls set on tripping her up and feeling her up, blond cock-sucking human candelabras, and glitter-dusted fairies wearing wings and G-strings. There's even a well-choreographed sword fight involving our lesbian panel's favorite character, Tundra. Clad in a silver breastplate and thigh-high boots that Xena would kill for and armed with two clear Lucite dildos that made us all drool, Tundra (played by Alexa Rae) proved to look the best, but fuck the worst. Once she had Sarah splayed out in her snowy lair, the ice princess's spectacular frosted eye shadow showed more promise than her pussy-pumping techniques. Luckily, Jenna took over, fucked herself with both dildos (one in each hole), and brought the scene out of its cold demise.

The feature's cinematography is not entirely consistent, but it is superior to typical porn in many spots, partly because it was shot on film, instead of video. The elaborate sets and makeup are effectively moody, the costumes detailed and sexy. The enormous cast of more than 20 top adult stars showcases the best of sex (the wildly orgasmic Teri Starr takes the cake and Brad Armstrong's cock), acting (porn veteran Randy Spears's hysterical scene-stealing), and that rare combination, a fucking thespian (Jenna!). Although the editing is top-notch, sometimes the pace lags, and more than once during our viewing, someone shrieked, "All right already—get to the sex!" When they do get around to doing the deed, it's really hit or miss, and, for all those predictable cum shots, the sex was often anticlimactic.


I am thrilled that the industry is finally acknowledging women as consumers of porn.


So, does the Hollywoodization of smut make a better fuck flick? I suppose it depends who you ask. This new breed of porn-with-a-plot is intended for couples (read: straight women), and the formula is a simplistic view of Mars and Venus. Show enough sucking and fucking to appeal to the average guy (the easiest target). Soften said activities with characters, dialogue, and Hollywood finesse, so these same guys won't be embarrassed to watch it with their wives. The notion that women may not just be unoffended but may also get off is a bonus. This new marketing strategy explains the emergence of a couples-focused genre that sometimes reminds me of romance novels in action. Although we poke fun at the bodice-ripping, Fabio-starring fantasies, they are the most mainstream form of a stroke book for women. Do you think it's their fascinating plots that make them bestsellers? Wake up and smell the pussy, folks. It's dripping wet from all the commotion between the pages.

I am thrilled that finally the industry is acknowledging women as consumers of porn, and making products that women won't simply stomach but actually might enjoy. This new crop of rentable romps and the wave of woman-friendly sex-toy stores may go together as well as garters and stockings. But here's my next question (a tricky one, I know): Is this what straight women really want? Some straight women have no interest in porn, plot or no plot. The publishers may deny it left and right, but I still believe that the only reason Playgirl stays in business is all those fags with straight-guy fantasies.

Back at our lesbians-watch-breeder-porn panel, Jane said, "Straight women want real characters and fewer blow jobs that last for an hour. Just a lot of the in-and-out doesn't do it for them. They want some context to their sex." "Het chicks don't want romance. They want to be fucked by a lot of different guys against their will," said Grace, one of the more jaded panelists. Of course, these two scenarios represent some women's fantasies, and there is a whole world of possibilities in between. "I think they still might be better off with Femme," said Claire.

Femme Productions, founded by former porn star Candida Royalle, is a line of erotic videos "from a woman's point of view." Not feminist per se, and certainly not softcore like many assume they are, Royalle's videos are full of passionate sex focusing on women's pleasure and relating to the characters and story lines. Femme videos are some of the only videos distributed by a mainstream company that portray "internal" cum shots. That's right—there is no wacky splooging on her face or in her mouth, which is, of course, considered the Money Shot in almost all straight porn.

Money shot or no, we know that women have a very different relationship to visual pornography than men. Whether it's Sodomania #27 or the new Victoria's Secret commercial with two underwear models suggestively dancing together in the desert, most of you guys are a piece of cake. Female fans are a lot more complicated—some like it nasty, some like it sweet (and plenty like it both ways!). Femme Productions paved the way for a growing list of movies for those girls who like a little conversation with their cock.

You can buy or rent DreamQuest at your local video store.


Visit my Web site at www.puckerup.com.

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