By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
By Roy Edroso
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
By Zachary D. Roberts
For all my eternal moaning about the hoity-toity Hamptons, an invite to something called the Bow Wow Luau at Chuck Scarborough's house in Southampton proved irresistible enough to have me dancing a doggie hula right over there. I don't look a gift bag in the mouth, and besides, I loved the idea of trying to differentiate the dogs from the people with too much surgery, all while sucking in exotic things covered in pineapple chunks. The Hawaiian-style galareplete with tipsy socialites making lei jokeswas a benefit for ARF, which rescues abandoned animals and sets them up with people like Billy Joel , who likes them just the way they are. For hours, the upper-crusties and their pets shoveled in the mahimahi and applauded the imported flamethrowers, but once David Hasselhoff walked in, I dumped them all, racing to his leg and panting like a bitch in heat. He's my manthe king of syndication, the lord of the thong-dance, and someone who even cares about land mammals!
"I'm a big deal?" the Baywatchmajordomo was saying to someone, incredulously. "No, I'm just David." See, that's why I love the guyand that's coming from just plain Sir Michael Musto. Inspired by his supreme self-deprecation, I asked just-David about his upcoming gig in Broadway's Jekyll & Hydewhere humbled TV and rock stars go to reconnect with their craftand he said, "The same week I was offered the show, I was also offered Annie Get Your Gun." Well, even Hasselhoff can't do everything, and he's not really the Bernadette Peters type anyway. As for previous stars of the schizo tuner, he said, "I think Jack Wagner was the better Jekyll than Sebastian Bach , but both did very well. Come see the show and tell me who youthink is a better Jekyll." At this point I was sniffing butts and looking for a fire hydrant.
"It's been a dream of mine to be on Broadway since I was seven," Hasselhoff continued, as a crowd of oglers in tropical shirts gathered, licking things off skewers. "I was coming to New York to go to Juilliard, but I took a wrong turn and ended up in California. I left The Young and the Restlessand came back to New York and ended up in Germany. I left Knight Riderto go to New York, then I got Baywatch." I was getting secondhand jet lag just listening to this sagaarf!so I switched subjects to just-David's love of domestic animals. He said he and his wife had eight dogs, "but then a lot of them passed away the same year and now we're down to three." I offered myself as a fourth and am still waiting for an answer.
Even in the dog days of summer, the Lower Manhattan crowd really knows how to throw a charity event its ownway, without Hawaiian specialty dishes or tap-dancing lifeguards, but with generous helpings of good old homemade spunk. At Don Hill's, the New York chapter of the Campaign to End the Death Penalty presented Not in My Name, a revue featuring various Downtown performers that should by no means be executed. The crowd was small but fervent and the club was covered with posters calling Texas titan George W. Bush an insensitive oaf "for 137 executions and counting," not to mention really bad hair. Onstage, the Lady Bunny clearly thought it was KateBush we were there to attack, because she stormed her way through "Wuthering Heights," but quite cutely. A former death-row inmate spoke eloquently (they let him go on a long time), Antony delivered one of his haunting songs, and then Justin Bond suggested that the death penalty be upheld, as long as we all get to vote on which politicians to snuff out.
When a folksinger took the stage for a punishingly long set, I seized the opportunity to drag one of the speakers, actor Brendan Sexton III, downstairs for a light grilling. The amiable Sexton turns out to be as different from his big bully characters (in Boys Don't Cry and Welcome to the Dollhouse) as Sharon Stone is from her outrageous, needy ones. (All right, bad example.) "I got involved in this issue," he told me, "when I walked by NYU one day and saw people with signs. The death penalty is one of the most racist institutions we have. I've always been against injustice!"
Speaking of which, Brendan told me he has no movies whatsoever lined up and that Boys Don't Cry"brought some interest, but no jobs, no paychecks!" (I didn't tell him we both recently hit career bottom by doing voice-overs in the same online cartoon about a smart-alecky rabbit. Sir Michael, indeed!) He worshiped director Kimberly Peirce, though, and said, "She was tough on Hilary Swank, but with me it was tough love." Upstairs, the folksinger was getting some tough luck, so Justin Bond came back to warble a few bars of "The Ballad of Sacco and Vanzetti." At this delicate point, Bunnyever respectful of other performersmade a big scene by squealing loudly and running out the exit like a demon. I'm sure she was chasing after George W. Bush.