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There was also a skating party for 102 Dalmatians, another movie based on a cartoon that was fine the way it was. At least this one doesn't include "Who Let the Dogs Out," though it does have Gerard Depardieu cutely pronouncing puppies as "poopies" about a thousand times. Among the skaters was Ivana Trump, glamorously decked out in a sequined ensemble with foxlike trim. After hours of zooming around, the divoon divorcée came to a halt by slamming into the rail—I guess she forgot to make a pizza—and exclaimed, "That was the hard part!" But just then, someone Ivana knew thrust a cell phone into her face and she blithely exclaimed into it, "Hello, Stephen. Love you!" What a pro! I could just poopy!

Skating on glum ice, Unbreakable proves that The Sixth Sense was untoppable—"I see dead box office," moaned one observer—though I loved writer-director M. Night Shyamalan saying at the premiere that Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson agreed to do the flick without even seeing the script. God, if this starts a trend, writers could once again become like . . . writers.

Writer Joe Orton, who knew what rimming is, becomes visible again with the New Group's production of What the Butler Saw, the original Rocky Horror Show. What I saw at Interview's Bottino fete for the show was Claudia Shear depositing her velvet coat behind me and saying, "You'll make sure no skanky fashion bitch takes it, right?" As I guarded it from a whole army of skanky bitches, Seussical star Kevin Chamberlin told me they've turned that show around, and added, "The negative buzz was the best thing that happened to us." I told Chamberlin that the Grinch movie emphasizes visuals over script, and he said that was Seuss's worst nightmare. Now he may be rolling—but at least Claudia Shear got her coat back.

"I'm not boxed here at all": The Rocky Horror Show’s feisty Lea DeLaria.
photo: Pak Fung Wong
"I'm not boxed here at all": The Rocky Horror Show’s feisty Lea DeLaria.

And someone got a free CD! My sources tell me that Russell Crowe was just at Tower Video, enthusing to a salesgirl about the Aussie band Dead Can Dance. He became so worked up that he ran across the street to Tower Records, bought the group's latest release, and then ran back to give it to her, proving that he's not a skanky bitch after all. Just then, Meg Ryan came racing in with a hatchet and chopped the girl's head off in a jealous rage. All right, I made that last part up.

But this is sort of true: Though the Florida situation has been a complete nightmare, at least it's resulted in three great new porn star names: Manuel Recount, Dimpled Ballots, and Swinging Chad. Danger, Will Robinson.

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