By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
Meanwhile, I was stunned to read in The Complete Works of the Enquirerthat Michael Douglaswill pay Catherine Zeta-Jones5 million dollars whenI mean ifhe's unfaithful. Whatever happened to being loyal just because you want to be? And what's to stop Zeta-Jones from throwing potential sex partners Douglas's way in hopes of nabbing some extra pocket change? And here's the real killer: This supremely cynical arrangement is apparently starting a trend, because now I hear O.J.'s signed a deal whereby he has to pay the girlfriend a million bucks every time he tries to cut her head off!
Meanwhile, can you believe Britney Spearsreportedly said, "Cut!" to one of her video directors when she found out he once shot porno flicks? I'm so sick of softcore looking down at hardcore!
And speaking of sexually charged icons, did you catch pelvic-bumping Latin sister act Ricky Martinperforming so enthusiastically at Bush's preinaugural ceremonies (the closest he's gotten to Bush in a while)? Here's what Robi Draco Rosa, the ex-Menudomember who cowrote "Livin' La Vida Loca," had to say about that: "It's like playing the fiddle while Rome burns. This is a President who would have people in his cabinet who would obstruct the exercise of civil rights. . . . This is a betrayal of everything that every Puerto Rican should stand for." And every sister act.
I hear that my favorite sister, RuPaul, is getting her own UPN sitcom, courtesy of one of Golden Girls' head honchos, Mort Nathan. Thank you for being a friend, Mort! And Internet pals assure me that Amanda DeCadenethas her own rapidly gestating projectshe's supposedly five months preggers with her and Keanu Reeves's baby boy. Give them a Golden Trailer. Wait for me, Chloë! I'm coming home!