By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
For nonsatirists, finding the right tone was a challenge. Desperate to end their cover story on John Ashcroft with ruffles and flourishes, Newsweek's Howard Fineman and Michael Isikoff shoehorned a mention of Bush the Elder's World War II service into its final paragraph, setting up this pious thought: "Washington battles like Ashcroft's may get nastybut we're all lucky to be allowed to have them." Oh, cram it, guyspeople get enough of that bilge from Tom Brokaw. Not that he shared his beloved "greatest generation" 's experience, natch; he just appreciates it more than we do. That's how to be authentic in this age of recidivist earnestnesswhose exponents, starting with George W. himself, are seldom deterred by incongruity.
Copping to it smacks of finky intellect, a quality suddenly in worse disrepute than usual, even if Laura Bush does think it's a good idea for people to learn to read. While I don't find her dislikable, acquiring literacy to savor the mind of Stephen Ambroseone of the honorees at the incoming first lady's salute to American authors on Fridayis a great argument for PlayStation 2. When her husband popped by a less-than-jammed Constitution Hall, he assured the audience, "Her love for books is real." Of course, the bookshelves behind him were fakebut nobody wants to be a spoilsport.
Even overlooking this one's special, unsavory circumstances, the problem with inaugurals has always been that they require razzmatazz as well as pomp. While the pomp takes care of itself, no one has ever figured out what kind of razzmatazz is suitable, so goofy inanity wins by default. The sense of a culture in full gibberish mode kicked in with the opening sight of Thursday's televised pre-inaugural concertthe Rockettes prancing at the Lincoln Memorial in bizarre black paramilitary togs. The Rockettes inhabit their own special wrinkle in time, which had apparently just been beamed its first Robert Palmer videos. Later, during Ricky Martin's boffo finale, the firework detritus staining the uncooperatively overcast night sky looked like the bombing of Baghdad. Talk about wrinkles in time.
Saturday's rain turned the Capitol dais into a sea of dignitaries in transparent plastic ponchos, as if they were toys so new that W. hadn't unwrapped them. Needless to say, the opposite was closer to the truth: actually seeing all those gray faces of yesteryear assembling to take power again was even more depressing than I'd expected. That morning, the Moonie-owned Washington Times had reported that blubber-prone Poppy and his sentimental son had agreed to avoid eye contact during the ceremony, fearing that otherwise they might be "overcome by the enormity of the moment." For a mad second, I'd wondered if the Times writer meant "enormity" in the dictionary sense: "great wickedness."
No two TV commentators seemed able to agree about what W.'s inaugural address was driving at, which means it succeeded. There's a wonderful story about Eisenhower soothing his press secretary's fears before a difficult press conference: "Don't worry, Jim," he said. "I'll just go out there and confuse them." For a guy whose relationship to English has been his only real struggle with adversityhis motto: "Let the word go fifth"W. has proven adept at defining his embryonic administration via cant terms that render his ominous policies irrelevant: his own "heart," John Ashcroft's "integrity." Just how immune to criticism the latter quality makes the attorney general-designate depends on your point of view; after all, Jefferson Davis was a paragon of integrity.
Violating feel-good protocol, Al Gore was often caught by the cameras looking overcome by the enormity of the moment. But that was damn near the only reminder that we all had lots to feel crummy about. That neither W. nor his supporters would have been caught dead alluding to his status as the winner-by-juridical-fiat of a disputed election shouldn't have surprised anybodyunless you count him blurting, "I'm surprised to be your president" at the Florida ball. What was appalling was the way the networkshell-bent on staying in full celebratory moderefused to rain on his charade. Not like I was hoping for Daumier, but we deserved better than Ziegfeld. Just turn those chads into confetti and, presto: a great day for America.
It's one thing to suggest that inaugurals ought to be a time to set arguments aside, another to impose that contention on events that brim with evidence to the contrary. By and large, the networks did this by ignoring the one group living up to W.'s call to be "citizens, not spectators," namely the protestersno mean feat if you credit one CNN reporter's idle on-air remark that anti-Bush signs outnumbered pro-Bush ones from his vantage point on the parade route. As if realizing his gaffe, he quickly started chattering about the family-heirloom cuff links that Poppy had given W. to wear on his big daythe very same human-interest factoid that Fineman and Isikoff had used to prime their Newsweek story's coda.