NY Mirror

Back to gabby genitals, if Jim, the helicopter pilot-lawyer from ABC's reality show The Mole, looks vaguely familiar, it's because a few years ago at a club called Cake, he won the Prettiest Penis contest—several times. (ABC didn't return a call for comment.) Performer Justin Bond, who MC'd the event, even has Polaroids, and says, "I think he's the Mole. A gay lawyer? Sounds like a mole to me."

My privates would now like to address the Golden Globe awards, which are much nuttier and faster-paced than the Oscars, at least until that tribute to a legend stops everything dead with bad hair and reminiscences of fourth-grade teachers. I loved the weird grab-bag categories (Vanessa Redgravebeat Megan Mullaleyfor something) and wacky behavior (like Liz Taylorreading off the teleprompter, "Elizabeth: Billy Elliot," and later bellowing "Y'all, y'all, y'all!"—she had just the right who-gives-a-shit attitude). I even liked Billy's Jamie Bellseeming to mutter contemptuously to himself as that other child star, Haley Joel Osment, sang his praises.

But though I worship Sarah Jessica Parker—the vulnerable one on Sex and the City—she's got to stop holding her head, looking faux-stunned, and saying, "I'm so ill-prepared" before droning into a 10-minute speech that's clearly been rehearsed for months. And while Kate Hudsonis cute enough—in fact, she's so popular I'm dropping Kate Winsletfrom my Oscar nomination predictions in favor of her—I'm sure her costar Frances McDormandwas thrilled when Hudson told her, "You're such an inspiration to every young actress." Just ram a fist covered in peanut butter up her ass, why don't you?


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