By Jared Chausow
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By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Hoping to further her education in the art of dissent, I brought my Taurean daughter Zoe to the "Hail to the Thief" protest against George W. Bush in San Francisco a few weeks ago. She was entertained for a while, but as the speeches dragged on, she grew bored. By the time the parade began, she'd pulled a Nancy Drew mystery from her backpack (The Clue of the Dancing Puppets) and was reading intently. Though I've always admired her self-possessed ability to concentrate, I was truly awed by what followed. As we marched along amid 15,000 chanting, drumming demonstrators, Zoe calmly polished off 35 pages. You yourself will need this level of single-mindedness in the coming days, Taurus. Please focus on what's most crucial, even in the face of interesting distractions.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Wondering about the future of your career? I hope my mystical vision can help. In a waking dream, fueled by five cups of coffee, I beheld three characters engaged in a debate about you. They were identified by titles on their T-shirts. "Pragmatic Rebel" wanted you to play more by the rules now in order to earn the right to mess with the rules later. "High-Strung Control Freak" felt you should sever your connection to boring tasks so you could devote yourself fully to what you love. "Cool Fool on the Hill" made your résumé into a paper airplane to serve as a kind of oracle; wherever it pointed when it landed would be the direction you were supposed to go. (PS: In my next vision, I hope to coax a consensus out of them.)
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CANCER (June 21-July 22)
I predict that in the next two weeks you will overflow with the best kind of Cancerian wisdom. That means you'll have an impeccable sense of how to nurture others without smothering them, how to give your gifts without sacrificing yourself, and how to be acutely sensitive without becoming one big wound. There's even more good news. I believe you're primed to turn this outbreak of emotional intelligence into a practical advantageeven material gain. It'll be an excellent time to sell yourselfyour real self, not the pretty packagingwithout selling your soul.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
There are many reasons to cry besides being sad or feeling sorry for yourself. A sudden rush of insight into a nagging problem always does it for me. My friend Corina breaks into sobs of reverent joy whenever she gazes on the ocean at dawn. In a recent National Geographic, NASA's chief scientist for Mars exploration confessed what stirs his emotions up from the depths. "When I first gazed at the images [of the Martian landscape] from Surveyor's camera," said Jim Garvin, "I was moved to tears." I bring this up, Leo, because a series of poignant pleasures are headed your way. Please give yourself to the Bawling Season with all of your crazy heart.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
I dare you to belt out a song that best expresses the feeling that you've already lived a thousand years' worth of soul-stirring, lesson-crammed experiences in this lifetime. Then I dare you to do a metaphorical rain dance in which you summon a flash flood of emotion to carry you back to where you once belongedand must belong again. Finally, Virgo, I dare you to perform the ultimate pain dancea whirling dervish-style explosion of ferocious grace. With this purgative uprising, you will thank your signature pain for all it has taught you and give notice that since its job is done, it must now leave you in peace.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
For a limited time only, you're in a position to do what many people never get to do as long as they live. Yes, maestro, you now have the opportunity to consciously choose your next set of problems. If you go looking for provocative new trouble, in other words, the same old tired and trivial hassles won't bother to come looking for you. Do you realize what this means? You could soon be committing the most original sins ever. Not only that. You may be on the verge of shucking a really boring kind of hard luck you feared you were stuck with forever.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
I asked Thera, a psychic child I know, to draw a picture depicting the current state of your fate. She used crayons to create an upside-down tree that had its roots in the sky and branches in the earth. Beneath the boughs was a cave where a pregnant woman danced ecstatically around an open treasure chest. What could Thera's scene mean? Here are my educated guesses. (1) Your reversal of an old order will lead you to secret riches. (2) Your unorthodox return to the source will result in the birth of resources that your soul (but perhaps not your ego) will deeply appreciate. (3) You must go against the flow or work against the grain in order to become realigned with what's most dear to you. (4) All of the above.