By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
ARIES, THE LAZY WARRIOR (March 21-April 19)
The Joseph Campbell Council on Contemporary Myth has approved my request to temporarily give you Aries folks a new subtitle, the "Lazy Warrior." In bestowing this designation, I intend to exempt you from all menial tasks so that you can free up large amounts of heroic energy for use in your inner realms. The best way to respond to this blessing would be to relax for hours in a soft chair and mentally wrestle with your demons. I hope that you will thereby prevent those monsters from disguising themselves as your friends and loved ones. Here's your battle cry: Lazy Warriors wash their own brains, not dishes and laundry!
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
As I turn my psychic vision toward your sweetest dreams, I'm aware that you have a growing need for them to materialize down here on earth. Here's the hitch: You won't be able to achieve that goal unless you work for it with impeccable integrity. That may not seem fair as you witness the apparent progress of greedy people with less talent and fewer scruples than you. You might feel hamstrung by your ethics and cursed by your sense of fair play. But let me assure you: The honorable style of success is the only kind worth having. And besides, it's the only one that'll work for you.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Acquiring and solving problems are fundamental human needs. You define yourselfindeed, you makeyourself through the obstacles you attract and overcome. The most creative people on the planet are those who frame the hardest questions and then gather the resources necessary to find the answers. I bring this up, Gemini, because you are now poised to embody the wisdom of this way of thinking. Cosmic forces are conspiring to get you to thrive on the most intriguing challenges. Here's a good place to start: Synthesize a bunch of your smaller problems into one big riddle whose solution would fix them all.
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CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Someday I'll tap directly into the raw, supercharged fuel of my anger. I'll stop going numb with blind rage when I think about misogyny and homophobia and plutocracy and the rape of the earth. On that day, my fury will become so beautiful and strong that I'll sit down and write The Book of Anger in one sustained three-week frenzy of creative indignation. It'll be filled with stories that inspire everyone who reads it to express their special, sacred wrath in the most constructive way possible. Until then, Cancerian, I hope you'll take advantage of those rare times when getting mad naturally gives you the clarity to correct the injustice you perceive. Now is such a moment for you.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
Your current arguments with God are among the best ever. If I didn't know better, I'd say She was stumped. It seems you've even forced Her to go back and consult the Book of Judgment about you. Don't get overconfident, though. Never forget that God's a tricky coyote. She'll probably sneak up on you any minute with a whole new slew of antics and gambits. And I'm sure you know as well as I that She has the weirdest sense of humor in the universe. I still think you have a chance to win the most important argument, thoughespecially if you laugh uproariously at Her jokes.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
I confess that I have sometimes offered my gifts selfishly, hoping to be recognized and rewarded for my generosity. I confess that on occasion I have willingly sacrificed my needs for the sake of my partners' needs, but then later held it against them. I confess that I've sought supernatural communion with love when just plain natural communion would have been far better. Finally, I confess I'll be really mad at you, Virgo, if you commit any of these sins yourself during the next seven weeks. Your romantic destiny for the next year is now being decided. Give because it feels good and makes you happy, or don't give at all.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Hi, I'm your sales representative for UnTherapy, a gently chaotic program for people who are trying too damn hard. Excuse me for being so blunt, but you look like you could really use our product. That beaten-down expression on your face would make you a great poster boy or girl for the dangers of excessive earnestness. Of course I don't want to give away all the secrets of UnTherapy, but here's a hint: Sometimes the only way to outwit an intractable dilemma is to stop worrying and run off and play while the problem solves itself.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Primal forces of nature will soon sweep through your personal ecosystem. Whether they're stormy or sexy will depend on how well you've been treating yourself. If you've been eating junk food, starving yourself of sleep, and playing chicken with stress, you can expect the metaphorical equivalent of windstorms and floods and brushfires. If you've been nurturing your body as if it were a beloved pet, your experience will be more like aurora borealis, a river's melting ice, and the rapid flow of spring sap in trees.