By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
ARIES, THE LAZY WARRIOR (March 21-April 19)
The Joseph Campbell Council on Contemporary Myth has approved my request to temporarily give you Aries folks a new subtitle, the "Lazy Warrior." In bestowing this designation, I intend to exempt you from all menial tasks so that you can free up large amounts of heroic energy for use in your inner realms. The best way to respond to this blessing would be to relax for hours in a soft chair and mentally wrestle with your demons. I hope that you will thereby prevent those monsters from disguising themselves as your friends and loved ones. Here's your battle cry: Lazy Warriors wash their own brains, not dishes and laundry!
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
As I turn my psychic vision toward your sweetest dreams, I'm aware that you have a growing need for them to materialize down here on earth. Here's the hitch: You won't be able to achieve that goal unless you work for it with impeccable integrity. That may not seem fair as you witness the apparent progress of greedy people with less talent and fewer scruples than you. You might feel hamstrung by your ethics and cursed by your sense of fair play. But let me assure you: The honorable style of success is the only kind worth having. And besides, it's the only one that'll work for you.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Acquiring and solving problems are fundamental human needs. You define yourselfindeed, you makeyourself through the obstacles you attract and overcome. The most creative people on the planet are those who frame the hardest questions and then gather the resources necessary to find the answers. I bring this up, Gemini, because you are now poised to embody the wisdom of this way of thinking. Cosmic forces are conspiring to get you to thrive on the most intriguing challenges. Here's a good place to start: Synthesize a bunch of your smaller problems into one big riddle whose solution would fix them all.
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CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Someday I'll tap directly into the raw, supercharged fuel of my anger. I'll stop going numb with blind rage when I think about misogyny and homophobia and plutocracy and the rape of the earth. On that day, my fury will become so beautiful and strong that I'll sit down and write The Book of Anger in one sustained three-week frenzy of creative indignation. It'll be filled with stories that inspire everyone who reads it to express their special, sacred wrath in the most constructive way possible. Until then, Cancerian, I hope you'll take advantage of those rare times when getting mad naturally gives you the clarity to correct the injustice you perceive. Now is such a moment for you.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
Your current arguments with God are among the best ever. If I didn't know better, I'd say She was stumped. It seems you've even forced Her to go back and consult the Book of Judgment about you. Don't get overconfident, though. Never forget that God's a tricky coyote. She'll probably sneak up on you any minute with a whole new slew of antics and gambits. And I'm sure you know as well as I that She has the weirdest sense of humor in the universe. I still think you have a chance to win the most important argument, thoughespecially if you laugh uproariously at Her jokes.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
I confess that I have sometimes offered my gifts selfishly, hoping to be recognized and rewarded for my generosity. I confess that on occasion I have willingly sacrificed my needs for the sake of my partners' needs, but then later held it against them. I confess that I've sought supernatural communion with love when just plain natural communion would have been far better. Finally, I confess I'll be really mad at you, Virgo, if you commit any of these sins yourself during the next seven weeks. Your romantic destiny for the next year is now being decided. Give because it feels good and makes you happy, or don't give at all.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Hi, I'm your sales representative for UnTherapy, a gently chaotic program for people who are trying too damn hard. Excuse me for being so blunt, but you look like you could really use our product. That beaten-down expression on your face would make you a great poster boy or girl for the dangers of excessive earnestness. Of course I don't want to give away all the secrets of UnTherapy, but here's a hint: Sometimes the only way to outwit an intractable dilemma is to stop worrying and run off and play while the problem solves itself.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Primal forces of nature will soon sweep through your personal ecosystem. Whether they're stormy or sexy will depend on how well you've been treating yourself. If you've been eating junk food, starving yourself of sleep, and playing chicken with stress, you can expect the metaphorical equivalent of windstorms and floods and brushfires. If you've been nurturing your body as if it were a beloved pet, your experience will be more like aurora borealis, a river's melting ice, and the rapid flow of spring sap in trees.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
It's doubtful that any of the anxiety addicts around you will offer much support if you obey the sensible urge to go into hibernation. Except me, of course. As a student of cycles, I understand that even big-thinking, far-seeing Sagittarians need periods of lying low, moving slow, and staring at the glow from their navels. Sometimes doing absolutely nothing is the best wayin fact the only wayto recharge your psychic batteries. Your subliminal word of power for the week is incubation.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
The gods and goddesses of ancient Greece were an unruly lot. For every blessing they bestowed on humanity, they unleashed a confounding trick. Their noble adventures were balanced by their petty emotions and ridiculous squabbles. A notable exception was Themis. She was unfailingly helpful and wise, the faithful goddess of justice and protection and good counsel. Mythologist and storyteller Michael Meade regards her as still active in the modern world. He believes that people tend to be in endless conflict unless Themis is present. She is the reasonable and imaginative unity builder who pulls together the things that don't usually connect. I nominate her to be your guiding spirit for the next three weeks, Capricorn. Call on her to help conjure up the combinations and consensus that will need an extra boost.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
This week a troubled teen in paramilitary garb may offer you $10,000 to join a team of mercenaries and kidnap a Colombian drug lord. DON'T DO IT, Aquarius! Say no, as well, to any other invitation that is both lucrative and risky, or appetizing and stupid, or dramatic and impossible to research. If you manage to resist the reckless proposals, I predict you will set the stage for a host of subtler, smarter enticements to come your way. Now study (and refute) this quote from Marcel Proust: "Impelled by a state of mind which is destined not to last, we make our irrevocable decisions."
PISCES (Feb 19-March 20)
With the authority invested in me by your guardian angel, I am pleased to announce that you are entitled to special privileges this week, as well as a straight answer to your most nagging question. With the no-nonsense, stay-out-of-my-way-or-I'll-bite-you attitude I learned from the pit bull next door, I hereby call on you to stop letting things slide with the people who are violating your autonomy. And finally, with the psychic foresight developed over 20 years of reading auras, I predict that you will soon receive an invitation to begin building a skill you have always been destined to master.
Which archetype do you aspire to embody most: monarch, magician, lover, warrior, trickster, or spiritual devotee? Why? Write: firstname.lastname@example.org.