By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
If you must drink to excess this week, please use kosher vodka. There'll be less of a hangover. And if you really must drive too fast while bellowing sappy songs off-key through your tears, I will ask you to do it in a simulated auto-race game at an arcade, not in an actual car. Let me make it clear that I have nothing against your expressing extreme urges. In fact, I'm all for it. But please arrange to do it in a way that is creative and expansive, not hackneyed, sentimental, or decadent. How about this? Retreat into solitude for two entire days and lovingly relive every memory you've ever had, from age four until now.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
I regard astrology as more of a tricky art than an exact science. Still, I celebrate the work of statistician Michel Gauquelin, whose research produced hard proof that planetary locations can be correlated with human behavior. Describing the "Mars Effect," for instance, he noted a significant tendency for champion athletes to have been born when Mars is directly overhead or rising on the eastern horizon. Gauquelin never applied his methods to determine what situations Capricorns might encounter in the second and third weeks of March 2001. So we'll never know if he'd agree with my assessment, which is that you should feed your soul by contemplating reflections, such as the moon on the water or a rose in a mirror or the way you appear to other people.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Curious blends are the featured flavors of the week, Aquarius. Unexpected alliances are the lucky X-factors. Experiments in hybridization might produce wonders just this once, even though they've never been useful or possible before. Therefore, I exhort you to mix metaphors like a cowboy poet at a New Age workshop on tantric sex, and don't be afraid to wear paisley and plaid simultaneously. I, for one, won't laugh at you if you start building a bridge over a gaping chasm even if the other side is still obscured by clouds.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at email@example.com.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
You taste delicious. The funny faces you make are interesting to look at. Animals understand you. Your importance is unusual. You fight for power in all the right ways. A lost tribe salutes you from the other side of the veil. You have strong feet. It is hard to have sex while cooking dinner, but you can do it well. You remind me of a star. No one can overflow as well as you can. You are famous with God. Gratitude radiates from you. You have a secret life in your dreams. Time is even now changing the way it treats you. You belong to yourself.