By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
My friend April, a performance artist who does her shows in natural settings, recently compiled a 253-page inventory of all the memories that filled her with guilt and remorse. She then climbed to the top of Mount Tamalpais and did a dramatic reading of that agonizing text. The rocks and trees were her captive audience. It took her 18 hours. Though I think a similar ritual would be good for you, there's no need to do 253 pages and 18 hours. A mere 50 pages and four hours would probably suffice for you to empty yourself out and clear the way for a whole set of more-interesting problems and more-original sins.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
If you've never gotten over the humiliation of being cheated on by a lover, you will soon. If a screenplay you once wrote was stolen by a major film studio and turned into a high-grossing blockbuster, payback is imminent. And if a demented wizard put a 500-year curse on you two lifetimes ago, you'll do exactly what it takes to cancel that hex for good. Yes, Taurus, the coming days are likely to bring dramatic corrections in your karmic ledger. Expect reversals that will reinvent your history.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Below you will find three messages. One is an authentic communiqué from God, which I channeled for you while in ecstatic trance. The other two are stupid fakes that I made up myself. If you are as thoroughly in tune with your inner purpose as I suspect you are right now, you won't have any trouble knowing which is the true Word of the Lord. (1) "I, the Supreme Designer of Heaven and Earth, am royally pissed off! You have been acting as if profound pleasure were a spiritual emotion! Cut the crap!" (2) "I, Remote and Unknowable CEO of the Universe, couldn't care less what you do! Don't bother me!" (3) "I, the Cosmic Jokester who runs all of creation on the fuel of my sublime laughter, am well entertained by the stories you've been living out! Thanks a million!"
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
You know how they always say, "Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it"? The implicit warning is that you can't foresee the new demands that will be made on you once your wish comes true. Normally I think that's decent advice (even if it has been co-opted by the Chicken Soup for the Soul crowd), but not now. DO NOT be careful what you wish for this week, Cancerian. On the contrary, I dare you to cry out for the fulfillment of your most feral and fertile fantasies. Refuse to entertain even one fearful thought as you reveal to yourself all the monstrously beautiful desires that have been festering in the hiding place at the bottom of your soul. Here's your battle cry, courtesy of Kenneth Patchen: "This is the evening of the two-fisted prayer."
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)
It will be an excellent week to bicker, grapple, feud, joust, scuffle, spar, brawl, and duelif you're a PMS-crazed harpy, that is, or a hysterical dude suffering from testosterone poisoning. But if, on the other hand, you're a genteel and emotionally intelligent seeker of truth, it will be prime time to negotiate, confer, debate, bargain, mediate, and compromise. In conclusion, Leo, collaboration may not be easy, but it will be well worth your most strenuous improvisations. In fact, agreements hammered out now could last a lifetime.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
During the last few hours I took a sauna, enjoyed a deep-tissue massage, slowly feasted on gourmet organic cuisine, and cuddled with my cute Virgo consort. Right about now I'm feeling exactly the way I wish you would make yourself feel. I'm not just trying to be nice. My concern is very practical. Usually your mind is so relentlessly agile that you can get away with ignoring your body for days at a time. But this week your IQ will rise and fall in direct proportion to how faithfully you hear and obey your body's needs.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
The first 10 weeks of 2001 have been brought to you by The Anarchists' Coloring Book, for generous troublemakers who hate to color inside the lines. This next week is brought to you by the Equalizerssmooth, beautiful stones meant to be thrown at heaven. They're recommended for all your tussles with higher powers, whether you're wrestling with fallen angels or awakening from a dream of God pulling down your pants in public. This week is also brought to you by the Do-It-Yourself Fortune-Telling Kit, which helps you concoct your very own Free Will Astrology oracles. Why depend on any "expert" at all, even a benign one like myself, when you can be your own guru?
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Picture five nuns who take over an abandoned medieval castle and set up a gambling den. Visualize a man traveling across the length of the country clad only in neon green underwear in order to win a huge bet. Imagine two lovers who discover a lost civilization as they ramble through a remote jungle. As you carry out these exercises, Scorpio, you will get a feel for the kind of spirit I recommend you bring to your own projects this week. (And by the way, do not picture a time-traveling private detective who tangles with zombie stockbrokers.)
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
If you must drink to excess this week, please use kosher vodka. There'll be less of a hangover. And if you really must drive too fast while bellowing sappy songs off-key through your tears, I will ask you to do it in a simulated auto-race game at an arcade, not in an actual car. Let me make it clear that I have nothing against your expressing extreme urges. In fact, I'm all for it. But please arrange to do it in a way that is creative and expansive, not hackneyed, sentimental, or decadent. How about this? Retreat into solitude for two entire days and lovingly relive every memory you've ever had, from age four until now.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
I regard astrology as more of a tricky art than an exact science. Still, I celebrate the work of statistician Michel Gauquelin, whose research produced hard proof that planetary locations can be correlated with human behavior. Describing the "Mars Effect," for instance, he noted a significant tendency for champion athletes to have been born when Mars is directly overhead or rising on the eastern horizon. Gauquelin never applied his methods to determine what situations Capricorns might encounter in the second and third weeks of March 2001. So we'll never know if he'd agree with my assessment, which is that you should feed your soul by contemplating reflections, such as the moon on the water or a rose in a mirror or the way you appear to other people.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Curious blends are the featured flavors of the week, Aquarius. Unexpected alliances are the lucky X-factors. Experiments in hybridization might produce wonders just this once, even though they've never been useful or possible before. Therefore, I exhort you to mix metaphors like a cowboy poet at a New Age workshop on tantric sex, and don't be afraid to wear paisley and plaid simultaneously. I, for one, won't laugh at you if you start building a bridge over a gaping chasm even if the other side is still obscured by clouds.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
You taste delicious. The funny faces you make are interesting to look at. Animals understand you. Your importance is unusual. You fight for power in all the right ways. A lost tribe salutes you from the other side of the veil. You have strong feet. It is hard to have sex while cooking dinner, but you can do it well. You remind me of a star. No one can overflow as well as you can. You are famous with God. Gratitude radiates from you. You have a secret life in your dreams. Time is even now changing the way it treats you. You belong to yourself.