By Keegan Hamilton
By Albert Samaha
By Village Voice staff
By Tessa Stuart
By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22Dec. 21)
Was it a rat I saw? A Santa lived as a devil at NASA. He maps spam, eh? Aha! Rot can rob a born actor. Go hang a salamiI'm a lasagna hog. A slut nixes sex in Tulsa. APRIL FOOL! The preceding jumble was pure disinformation. It was my way of introducing you to the mysterious power of palindromessentences that say the same thing when read backward as they do the normal way. Here, now, is your real April Fool's horoscope, which I hope will inspire you to practice the art of reversal everywhere you go: Rise, sir lapdog! God, pal, rise, sir! Revolt, lover! Bombard a drab mob! Egadno bondage!
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22Jan. 19)
Hey, Capricorn, who owns you? What? You say you haven't been able to procure the full rights to yourself? Then we invite you to try our scientifically formulated self-help program, "Buy Yourself Back." Piece by piece, this amazing 99-lesson miracle cure will help you reacquire authority over your own body, soul, and spirit. Money-back guarantee! We promise you will own your destiny free and clear by April 1, 2002. APRIL FOOL! "Buy Yourself Back" is still on the drawing board and not yet an actual program. But feel free to steal the idea and develop it to your heart's content. All the astrological omens say this is the year to take complete possession of your life.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20Feb. 18)
Lick the tongues of blow-up dolls. Eat shark fin soup and rattlesnake tails. Bite the neck and suck the blood of your boss. Compete in "Spitting Into the Wind" contests. Holler savage curses at Hell's Angels motorcyclists. APRIL FOOL! As tempting as these naughty acts might be, Aquarius, I beg you not to employ your growing oral fixations in such risky behavior. Instead, I suggest you try the following: Eat the delectable petals of daisies and petunias. Work diligently to improve your cunnilingus or fellatio skills. Sing and laugh twice as much as you usually do. Speak surgically precise truths to people who've become numb to the sloppy half-truths that are going around.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
PISCES (Feb. 19March 20)
In an underreported study, psychologist Ron Deluga discovered that workers who consistently flatter and agree with their boss have a 5 percent advantage over employees who depend solely on their job performance to advance. "Sucking up works," Deluga concluded. Need I say more, Pisces, now that you're in the perfect astrological phase for shoring up the foundations of career success? APRIL FOOL! Deluga's findings may apply at other times in your life, but not now. Your best bet for making progress on the job in the coming weeks is to combine dogged excellence with creative candor.
If you're not prepared to give it all, don't bother giving anything. APRIL FOOL! Real life requires an excruciating willingness to do the half-right thing when it's impossible to do the totally right thing.