By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
SAGITTARIUS(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Many fairy tales tell of a hero or heroine sent on an impossible mission. In Grimm's "The Three Little Men in the Woods," a cruel woman orders her stepdaughter to put on a paper dress and go out into the winter snow to collect strawberries. Amazingly, the girl not only succeeds, but also receives several other miraculous gifts, thanks to the kindness she shows to three dwarves who turn out to have magical powers. I bring this up, Sagittarius, because I believe you will soon be faced with a similarly confounding task. To win an ending as happy as the girl's, all you have to do is proceed with pure love and no complaints in your heart.
CAPRICORN(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Due to a benevolent planetary conspiracy now unfolding behind the scenes, the completely legal natural opiates of your brain will be flowing like cheap wine this week. This should be true even if you don't make any special effort to meditate or dance or listen to sublime music or make love long and slow. So just imagine how sweetly intoxicated you'll get if you do aid and abet the planetary conspiracy.
AQUARIUS(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
If I were writing this horoscope simply to please my own esoteric tastes, I might describe the central metaphor for your week as "a collage artist goes on a scavenger hunt." But if I want to be of use to the whole range of my readership, I can't afford to use language as if I were talking to myself. I have to reach the entertainment lawyer in New York, the kindergarten teacher in Austin, the plumber in Detroit. By the way, you could cop a trick from the strategy I'm employing here. You could accomplish small wonders by being a jack-of-all-demographics . . . a junkman on a treasure hunt . . . an adaptable idealist who, without selling out, gives the people what they want.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
PISCES(Feb. 19-March 20)
Sylvester Stallone's mom, Jacqueline, is famous for her rumpology. She studies photos of people's naked rear ends to divine their fate, much as a palm reader works with hands. I practice the same art myself, only I call it asstrology. My favorite clients are Pisceans, as they have the most expressive butts. In fact, though the part of the body traditionally associated with your sign is the feet, I believe this should be amended. Anyway, since the ruling metaphor for you these days is "coming in the back door" (all the planetary omens say so), I decided to do an asstrological analysis. In response to my appeal, 32 Pisceans generously provided photographic evidence. My assessment? You should be exceedingly cheeky as you slip through the cracks.
Imagine that your psyche is a garden and that the growing season is now getting into full swing. What three seeds will you plant this week? Tell all at email@example.com .