By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Suggested book for those of you who are resisting a good change that would only be uncomfortable in the short run: Thomas Moore's Care of the Soul: A Guide for Cultivating Depth and Sacredness in Everyday Life. Advice for those of you who feel God hasn't been responding well to your requests: Shout out sweaty prayers while dancing to the music that moves you to tears and shivers. Recommended action for those of you who desperately want to break a habit that chronically undermines your best relationships: Shift the blame for the problem onto a silly scapegoat like Bugs Bunny or Gwyneth Paltrow; go around saying, "It's all Bill Gates's fault."
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
In his autobiography, basketball great Wilt Chamberlain bragged that he had boinked 20,000 women. While I don't find this feat particularly admirable, it's my duty to report that you could now mount a challenge to Chamberlain's record. Your animal magnetism will be peaking in the coming weeks, as will your vigor, your lust, and your hunger for variety. Furthermore, your karmic credit is excellent; there would be relatively little hell to pay from even the most extravagant adventures. I should mention that it's also theoretically possible for you to satisfy your epic urges with a single partner if you're unusually creative. Which, by the way, the planetary omens say you are.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Your voracious need for autonomy is one of your great motivators. In normal times, you're constantly writing and rewriting your own personal Declarations of Independence in the back of your mind. As of today, however, the forces that usually drive you must begin to come to terms with a curious new factor: your growing desire for more nourishing intimacy with the people you care about. It will be fascinating to see how you handle this showdown. Will it be a clash or collaboration? For best results, I suggest that sometime soon you celebrate a new holiday: Interdependence Day.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
Your strategies are very close to working. The results you have generated so far are on the brink of being beautiful and bordering on successful. But it's right here at the edge of almost that your attention is most likely to wander. Unless you receive a friendly shock (like from reading this horoscope), you may mistake the temporary lull for the absolute end. Please don't give up now, Pisces. Refuse to be satisfied with your partial victories. Summon the relaxed stamina and ingenious courage to go all the way. Here's a mantra that may help whip up the necessary magic: Commit random acts of chutzpah.
I hereby declare it immoral, illegal, irrelevant, and totally tasteless for you to be in love with anyone who's no good for you. Forevermore, amen.