By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
I don't care what you feel this week, as long as you don't feel nothing. Get inflamed with greed or sadness or impossible longing or a fixation with justice, but don't you dare submit to apathy or numbness. You can't afford to be cut off from the sources of your secret self, even if it means having to navigate through the chaos that keeps those sources fresh. The strangely beautiful fact of the matter, Sagittarius, is that if you're willing to go through hell, you won't have to go through hell. So promise me you won't get tricked into believing there's something noble about assuming a poker face. Be a wild thing, not a mild thing.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
My statistical studies show that Capricorns are the least likely of all the signs to consult my horoscopes. It's no coincidence that your sign also ranks last in the percentage of people who choose to become circus clowns. What's the connection? Well, appreciating my take on astrology requires a deep commitment to not taking yourself too seriously. My oracles propose that the only truth and power worth having are built on a willingness to laugh at everything you passionately believe in. Now, it so happens that this is a perfect moment for you to try out this approachand to convert other Capricorns to the cause.
AQUARIUS(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
New York magazine recently presented evidence that VIPs receive perks unavailable to regular folks. It seems instructors at a certain yoga school in New York give inordinate attention to their students Gwyneth Paltrow and Madonna, neglecting less famous classmates. Bucking this trend, I'm proud to say I show no such favoritism. This week's horoscope, as always, is unaffected by my fawning admiration for Aquarian celebrities like black emancipationist Frederick Douglass, radical defender of democracy Thomas Paine, music revolutionary Bob Marley, trailblazing feminist anthropologist Marija Gimbutas, and pioneer sexologist Havelock Ellis. My oracle for stars like them is the same as it is for you: Work on liberating the world later; right now, release your heart and soul from bondage.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at email@example.com.
PISCES(Feb. 19-March 20)
"Speak in briefer sentences about simpler things," scolded a reader in a recent e-mail. "I'm exhausted by your exotic ideas and vivid language. Normal people want practical advice spelled out literally." I wrote back to thank her for her feedback and tell her she's dead wrong. Normal people, I said, desperately need subtle truths that aren't filtered through the dumbing-down machinery of the huge media conglomerates. Besides, if it's even possible to achieve simplicity in our overwrought age, it certainly can't be won by studying regurgitated clichés that ooze conventional wisdom. No. I will not speak in generic monotones. Especially for you this week, Pisces. You'll have to be ingenious and complex if you hope to keep your life from being denatured by the mass delusions that have infected folks in your vicinity.
Give an example from your own life of the wisdom of this advice: Don't disguise yourself as a peanut in the presence of rogue elephants. firstname.lastname@example.org