By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Contrary to conventional wisdom, you Aries folks are capable of deep introspection. I hope you'll prove it now that you're being called to reimagine where you've been so you can get a better bead on where you're going. Here's a good way to begin: Return to your roots and thoroughly reinvent them. Or revise your interpretations of several key memories, then tell the story of your life with all new plot twists. As the pop psychologists say: It's never too late to have a happy childhood. As I say: Nor is it ever too late to create fresh traditions and foundations that suit you better than the originals.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
"When we accept small wonders," says one of my favorite novelists, Tom Robbins, "we qualify ourselves to imagine great wonders." I would add that by taking time every day to build up our capacity for curiosity, surprise, and delight, we also pave the way for outright miracles to barge into our lives. The coming weeks will be prime time to try this out, Taurus. Your multitude of baby steps will have an uncanny power to spawn a quantum leap.
GEMINI(May 21-June 20)
The Rocking F Ranch in Nevada has formally laid claim to all water in any clouds that pass over it. An entrepreneur named Dennis Hope has asserted that the planet Mars is his personal property, and has begun to sell portions of it to eager buyers. These daring claims inspired me to grant each and every one of you Geminis 50 acres on Jupiter, the heavenly body that astrologers regard as having an expansive, awakening influence. I trust my gift will embolden you to become more aggressive in staking claims to resources you need here on Earth. That would be in sweet alignment with the cosmic omens.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
I hope I'm not overstepping my jurisdiction here, but my astrological sources tell me that back in 1990 you started a journey that will culminate in the next few weeks. I exhort you to finish off your labor of love with a flourish, Cancerian. With the powers vested in me by your inner teacher, I authorize you to pull off a rite of passage that will wrap up the old business as neatly as is humanly possible, setting the stage for the launch of a new Age of Expansion.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)
For this week's horoscope, I've borrowed the oracles of a Leo poet named John Averill (email@example.com). Of the hundreds he has created, I've chosen those that are astrologically accurate for your future. Thursday, June 21: Today is the day of the gallon jug of truth serum. June 22: Today is the day of the hornet's heart. June 23: Today is the day of the chaperone who put one little lie on her résumé. June 24: Today is the day of whacking avocados into the creek with a baseball bat. June 25: Today is the day of the bear who made his home in a cottage in the woods. June 26: Today is the day of the happy hayride through hell. June 27: Today is the day of the marshmallow Jesus nailed to the chocolate cross.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
I've been alerted to the fact that some of you who're reading this horoscope are not Virgos. As many as 15 percent of you may be illicitly gaining info meant for Virgos' eyes only. How would you like it, you non-Virgos, if I shared your secrets with everyone? There is one condition, however, under which I will give you license to continue eavesdropping: You must promise to dissolve your fixed ideas about your Virgo friends and loved ones. It's an unfortunate fact that every one of your expectations of them tends to hypnotize them into living up to that expectation, even if it's wrong or only half-true. The good news is that in the current phase of their astrological cycle, Virgos will find it relatively easy to break away from the inaccurate images people are projecting onto them. Help them in this important work.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
I have begun compiling a list of possible new nicknames for you to try on. (See the end of this horoscope.) If they're too flashy for your tastes, please feel free to dream up your own. The goal is to find one that loosens your inhibitions, maybe even pumps up your desire to show off. Why? Because you're entering a phase when you need to grab the spotlight a little more, or at least be more aggressive and expressive in proving yourself. Now here are some suggestions: Thunderbird, Seriously Delirious, Dreamweaver, Fierce Epiphany, White Knight, Wild Face.
SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Please ensure that at least three of the following prophecies come to pass, Scorpio. Doing so will put you in alignment with highly benevolent cosmic trends. (1) You will have a successful negotiation with a green-eyed, yellow-bellied monster. (2) A natural fool will provide you with a half-useful message about how to cultivate more freedom. (3) You'll experience a metaphysical version of an enema, purging undigested emotions that had long been stuck. (4) You'll carve the shape of a heart out of a slab of Spam and put it on the doorstep of a person who drives you crazy. (5) You will make love up in a tree, in the water, or in midair while skydiving.