By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
SAGITTARIUS(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Confidential to Sagittarian muckrakers, whistle-blowers, and righteous rebels: Your passion to get to the bottom of the truth needs to intensify. Confidential to Saj researchers: Breakthroughs are nigh if you relax into your work and monitor your dreams. Confidential to Saj conspiracy theorists: Smoking guns you've been trying to obtain forever are finally accessible. Confidential to Saj queers who're Star Trek fans: Launch a letter-writing campaign to get an openly gay character on the new EnterpriseTV show. Confidential to Saj trendsetters: Wear your clothes backward and inside out. And confidential to those of you who don't fit any of the above categories: Translate everything I just said into metaphors that apply in your own sphere.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
"The ancient Egyptians thought onions symbolized the many-layered universe," notes naturalist Diane Ackerman, "and swore oaths on an onion as we might on a Bible." I recommend that you resurrect this practice now that you're entering the vow-taking season. Yes, Capricorn, you're about to enjoy a phase in your astrological cycle when you'll receive lots of cosmic assistance if you commit yourself to a challenging process you're sure you can love over the long haul. So wrap your hands around a big, ripe onion and take a solemn (but maybe also slightly playful) pledge.
AQUARIUS(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
In the film Himalaya, the Tibetan Buddhist monk-in-training, Norbou, agrees to leave the peace and quiet of the monastery in order to help his father on an arduous trek into the mountains. "Why?" asks the old man, surprised by his son's decision. "My master told me," Norbou replies, "that when two paths present themselves, always take the hardest one." As you know, Aquarius, I am not a fan of the "no pain, no gain" philosophy of life. However, in response to your current astrological omens, I heartily recommend that you borrow the young monk's approach.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at email@example.com.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
Since the first Piscean life form slunk out of the primordial ooze eons ago, there's probably never been a better time than now for you and your tribe to triumph forever over your congenital longing to crawl back into the primordial ooze. Your ache to be at one with the oceanic flow is no longer competing with your growing drive to be a vividly individuated human; instead, it is actually enhancing that drive for a change. I've been waiting for this turning point in Piscean history since I first began writing this column 23 years ago. Please seize the tremendous opportunity. Find the secret to being your unique self even as you celebrate your urge to merge.
Homework: I dare you to do something this week that you will remember with pride and passion until the end of your days.