By Albert Samaha
By Darwin BondGraham
By Keegan Hamilton
By Anna Merlan
By Anna Merlan
By Tessa Stuart
By Tessa Stuart
By Albert Samaha
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
The Vagina Monologues is a book and show based on interviews with women all over the world. "There's so much darkness and secrecy surrounding the vagina," says author Eve Ensler, "like the Bermuda Triangle." Sex-positive feminists have noted wryly that while Ensler's work is a welcome breakthrough, the final frontier won't come until a bevy of female celebrities gather at Madison Square Garden (as they did to celebrate TVM) and shout hosannas to the clitoris. For there is an even deeper conspiracy to conceal its glory, maybe because it is the only organ in the human body with no other purpose than to experience pleasure. As you slip into the most orgasmic phase of your astrological cycle, Aries, I urge you to enshrine the clitoris as the sacred symbol of your highest aspirations. (Yes, you too, guys.)
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
In one of its rock videos, the band Blink-182 has a crane drop several brand-new luxury cars from a great height, turning them into mangled hunks of junk. I admire this quality in wealthy celebrities: the free-spirited, open-hearted joy at destroying expensive consumer goods. And what's this got to do with you, Taurus? Well, I'm hoping it'll inspire you to withdraw some of your attachment to your possessions. Your props and accessories have begun to define your sense of self a little too much. Please liberate yourself from their hypnotic hold on your imagination so you can explore subtler aspects of your identity in the coming weeks.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
I wish I could make it easy for you and say that the forces of light are lining up to fight the forces of darkness. But it just isn't that simple. It's more like the forces of paisley are staggering into place to start a food fight with the forces of plaid. There are beauty and ugliness on each side. And so you may ask, Gemini, what's the most righteous role you can play in this seriously surreal showdown? Should you throw your weight to one side or the other? Naw. Here's my suggestion: Create a third side.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at email@example.com.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Some of my most sensitive readersa disproportionately large number of whom are Cancerianshave figured out how to contact me clairvoyantly. In the early morning hours, they slip into my dreams to give me updates on a wide range of ethereal subjects. Last night, for instance, I got a full report on the progress of the angelic hosts who are busting their divine butts to prevent us humans from destroying the ecosphere. I appreciate these efforts to keep me informed on such esoteric matters. But I urge you Crabs to de-emphasize explorations like that in the coming weeks so you can track earthier developments. The magic word pragmatism will be far more potent than abracadabra.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)
Let us now observe a moment of silence in reverent remembrance of your recently deceased illusions. They were soulful hallucinations, weren't they: full of entertaining flaws like creative amnesia and misplaced idealism and unripe understandings about human nature. And now, in death, they begin to serve you with fresh purpose, turning into fertile compost for the sweet dreams you'll hatch next. May they rot in peace.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Even though my Virgo girlfriend and I have broken up, you need not fear that I'll feel any less sympathy for you. It has always been my mission to refute the pinched, weaselly traits that traditional astrologers attribute to your sign, and no transitory personal uproar can divert me. At this particular phase of your evolution, however, I must let you know that you're susceptible to behavior that conventional wisdom warns against, especially shortsightedness and manipulativeness. You may also be tempted to skip through a series of profound experiences without integrating them fully. Please don't. In both the metaphorical and literal sense, good digestion is the key to remaining true to your soul's purpose.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
In his book The Art of Pilgrimage, Phil Cousineau describes an experience he's always in search of as he travels: "a glimpse of the underglimmer, an experience of the deeply real that lurks everywhere beneath centuries of stereotypes and false images that prevent us from truly seeing other people and other places." Given the penetrating insight you'll have at your disposal this week, Libra, I suggest you make Cousineau's quest your own, even if you wander no farther than your usual haunts. For him, the treasured peek happened once as he drank mint tea under date trees with a group of Bedouins in the Egyptian desert. For you, it may bolt into your awareness as you sit in a café sipping cappuccino and gazing upon a woman doing a crossword puzzle at the next table.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Members of the rock band Papa Roach say they do their best work in the recording studio when they're in really bad moods. Steeped in irritation and angst and anger, they can transform their demons into creative helpers who deliver interesting goods in the form of high-energy songs. I recommend this approach for you in the coming days, Scorpio. You can't appease your shadowy inner nemeses by trying to suppress them. But if you put them to work in a constructive cause, they'll mellow out even as they serve your dreams.