By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
Thankfully, there were other things to do, like check out the real gorilla my dreams, Helena Bonham Carter, at the Planet of the Apes premierethe next best thing (to reference Madonna's last movie misstep). The event was a natural for 20th Century Fox flacks, who'd just gotten through working with a smorgasbord of animals for Dr. Dolittle 2. (In fact, I helped them judge a wildlife fashion contest promoting that flick, and felt like the llama who had to be dragged onto the runway.) They outdid themselves with Apes, the Ziegfeld screening becoming so swarmed"Puffy" blithely showed up without a ticket, by the waythat a lot of us had to be bused over to a spillover theater as if we were, I don't know, humans.
Having seen the moviethe ending? Thelma and Louise drive off a cliffI can now provide a veritable stampede of ad quotes: "Planet of the Apes is an orangu-ten. It's simian-credible!" "Finally, the summer box office gets the big ba-boost it needs." "Tie a yellow gibbon around this old oak treat. It's capuchin-tillating!" And for the TV ads: "Let's not monkey aroundPlanet of the Apes is chimpanzee-licious!" Actually, I found it all rather dumb and absurd, but the after-party at Roseland was swell, decked out with enough bananas to make a tutti-frutti hat with (and as a bonus, Helena didn't shed). By the way, director Tim Burton's (pri)mate, Lisa Marie, recently told a writer friend of mine, when prompted, that she'd like to try wearing the monkey mask while romancing Tim. Lisa denied that to me, saying it's actually not her fantasy, but hey, I'd love an injection of a monkey gland.
On the planet of the sex changesI'm moving on nowHedwig and the Angry Inch diva John Cameron Mitchell told me it's true that he made out with most of the guys who auditioned to play his lover-turned-nemesis, Tommy Gnosisone of the many delightful perks of his job. Among the suitors was James Franco, the star of the new James Dean telepic and a rebel with a cause for celebration. "It was deep tongue," admitted Mitchell. "He's a real actor! Though I needed someone a little more geeky for the part." (Yes, Franco did star in Freaks and Geeks, but as a nihilistic babe from the nabe.)
Meanwhile, 19-year-old actor Jonathan Tucker told me he auditioned for Gnosis in a dog collar, chains, and kiltthank you, Madonnabut he didn't get to the make-out stage, his prep-school realness clearly shining through the endearingly garish getup. Still, Tucker nabbed the hot gay role in the upcoming suspenser The Deep End, in which he falls for a mean-spirited older guybeen there, done thatonly to have a video of him getting shtupped by the fella turn up to the horror of Mom (Tilda Swinton). Tucker told me he filmed the porn scene in a seedy Lake Tahoe hotel on his 18th birthday (for legal reasons)"And that was my birthday party. Great fun!" Happy birthday, honey.
But back to trannies: A certain award-winning director has supposedly rid himself of his angry inch and come back as Michelleor at least that's what a reputable national magazine has heard and is hot on the tail, I mean trail, of. As for trannie musicals, guess why cast members of The Rocky Horror Show loved it when Kate Clinton subbed for Dick Cavett recently? Because they got home 20 minutes earlier every night! But back to campy movie musicals: I'm thrilled that Chicago's been announced as a screen vehicle for the 8 millionth time. But let me divulge that the first such statement came way back in the late '70s, when producer Alan Carr told me he was going to film the project, "And there'll be a celebrity in every cell!" This old concept could spell new hope for Robert Downey Jr. and Shyne.