By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
You understand that you can never own love, right? No matter how much someone adores you today, no matter how much you adore someone, you cannot force that unique state of grace to keep its shape forever. It will inevitably evolve or mutate, perhaps into a different version of tender caring, but maybe not. And from there it will continue to change, either into yet another version of reverent affection, or who knows what else? This is a perfect time to get the hang of practicing this tricky wisdom, Aries. I do think the chances are good that your current embodiment of love will actually turn into a new, improved model; but even that may require you to be more flexible than feels comfortable at first.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
To prepare for my pilgrimage to Burning Man in the Nevada desert, I interviewed several veterans of the annual event. "What brought you the most exquisite suffering?" was my favorite question. Lilly replied that it was the sheer intensity of the transformation that Burning Man detonated in her. "It didn't provoke a nervous breakdown, exactly," she said. "More like a nervous breakthrough." Then there was Jeff, my world-traveling friend. "The overwhelming generosity and kindness of the people at Burning Man were almost too much to bear," he marveled. "It was a relentless gift, among the most humbling and enriching experiences I've had." I bring this up, Taurus, because Lilly and Jeff came close to describing the quality of your life in the coming weeks.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
It'll be a pretty favorable week to climb mountains in your imagination, talk faster than a salesman but with more soul, and pretend your wounds are lovely tattoos. It'll be a downright fabulous time to scare yourself with how beautiful you are, ridicule the seriousness with which you usually judge yourself, and send the one you secretly admire an anonymous note that says, "I'm on fire dreaming of you." It won't be such a good week, however, to ride a drugged stallion, stay up all night looking for flying saucers or lost loves, or pine for people who are sitting right next to you.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Be more like a cat and less like a dog, Cancerian; more like a luxury ship and less like a freight train; more like a dance and less like an editorial; more like your alter ego and less like your ego. Can you handle a few more assignments? These will be strictly for extra credit. Be more like a magic wand and less like the Grail cup; more like an early spring and less like a timeless autumn; more like a gypsy and less like a vice president; more like the person your parents didn't want you to become and less like the things you love to worry about.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)
I predict that a bright and bubbly reward will come your way as an indirect result of one of your good deeds. This sweet twist of fate will fuel your growing sense of emotional integration, which will in turn boost your power to translate your highest ideals into practical actions. "That's it?!" you may be saying right now. "None of Brezsny's usual tricks and double meanings?" Nope, Leo, just plain old good news. According to my reading of the astrological omens, you've earned a week free of cosmic jokes.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
What's the first scene that pops into your imagination when I say the word initiation? Do you see a would-be fraternity boy being hazed in a shopping mall, wearing nothing but diapers while reciting "Mary Had a Little Lamb"? Or do you picture a blindfolded neophyte garbed in a long white robe, head swimming with pungent incense and hair-raising chants, being spun around in circles by a coven's high priestess? I predict that your own initiation this week will be somewhere between those two extremes, Virgo. Among the terms that will describe it (please choose at least three) are the following: magical, ridiculous, humbling, spooky, fun, transformative, electrifying. The transition it marks for you will be both subtle and dramatic.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
At the end of this horoscope I'm going to quote a Zulu proverb that gives rather challenging advice. It may make no sense to you yet. That's because your life lately has had resemblances to a picnic in the suburbs of paradise. The gods have been conspiring to shower you with blessings, and the steady flow of synchronicity is proof. But soon the cosmic tide will turn. Not for the worse, really. But definitely in a way that will require more strenuous balancing efforts as you surf the waves of fate. Now I present the Zulu proverb, hoping it will provide you with a head start. "You have to go fetch the future. It's not coming towards you, it's running away."
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Last night I dreamed of all the most interesting Scorpio people I've ever known. They were gathered in a meadow to watch the sword dances of Michelle Yeoh, the actress who played the older female martial artist in the film Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The event gradually turned into a kind of pagan revival meeting. Scorpio after Scorpio testified about the fierce blessings they'd been harvesting. My friend Jessica rejoiced that she no longer scared herself. Elliot described how he'd defeated his habit of projecting his hard-to-admit flaws onto innocent bystanders. Ruby said she'd discovered a psychological trick that immunized her against fears that have no basis in reality. After consulting your current astrological omens, Scorpio, I now offer my interpretation: My dream was a prophecy about your imminent future.