By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The reviews for your current performance are beginning to pour in. Here's the first crop: "Spellbinding, hot-blooded. We were swept away." Journal of Constructive Melodrama. "A splashy surprise . . . hugely entertaining." Intimate Spectacle magazine. " A visual treasure-house overflowing with gorgeous images." Chronicle of Real-Life Fairy Tales. "Refreshingly unpredictable. Gleefully ridiculous. Scarily enjoyable." Personal Evolution Review. "Hilarious! Finger-snapping, laugh-out-loud fun!" Shattered Dogma Weekly.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
How about some more lessons in making the best of the Aquarian Age, Capricorn? Last week we dealt with channeling. This time we present forms of divination you can use to descry embryonic possibilities lurking on the frontiers of your world. You are, after all, wading into the most exploratory, experimental phase of your astrological cycle. (1) Cledonism: Your prophetic sign comes via the first words you hear after getting up in the morning. (2) Ornithomancy: Obtain your omen by reading the flight patterns of birds. (3) Surrealomancy: Study all of my horoscopes and heed the one you like best. (4) Peanutbutterandjellyomancy: Throw an open-faced peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the air. The cosmic reply is "yes" if the sandwich falls face down, "no" if it's face up.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
My grandma often told me that since I have a nice voice I should be a radio disc jockey. My seventh-grade science teacher assured me I'd be a great biologist, and my college adviser urged me to become a professor in religious studies. Through the years, many other critics and helpers have also shared their thoughts on how best to live my life. In the end, I've always decided it was wisest to obey no other authority but my muses. What's your position on this issue, Aquarius? Considering the epic surges of expectations that are now flowing your way, you might want to follow my example. PS: Those you love have the greatest power to come between you and your muses. For the foreseeable future, gently excuse yourself from their pressure to be who they want you to be.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at email@example.com.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
A case can be made for the role of perfume and cologne in the escalating rate of failed relationships. Why? Because humans emit pheromones, subtle smells rich with psychosexual signals. Everyone has a signature set of pheromones that naturally draws certain potential mates and repulses others. But synthetic scents interfere with the pheromones' job, bringing together couples whose chemistry is at odds. One of the deeper issues here is that manufactured fragrances may derail us from trusting the intuitions provided by our instincts. I'll leave you to draw further morals from the story, especially as they apply to your quest for a kind of intimacy that doesn't require the use of any artifice at all.
Homework: Compose a love spell to get the exact kind of intimate connection you want, but without messing with anyone's free will. Send your spell to firstname.lastname@example.org.