By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
In other midriff news, I'm convinced that Mariah Careyfled the clinic way too quickly and went right back onto the PR treadmill that got her there. (You have to kill to have a rebirth.) Proof that her release was rushedthat makes 101 free luftballons, if you're countingis that the instant Mariah was out, she was reportedly worried about the way her hair looked in a Postphoto. The woman needs to develop stronger inner resources, not better hairdressing. She needs to have learned something from all this!
And what have I learned? To say yes to everything, including the chance to MC a Fez reading celebrating gender-bender-comma-author J.T. Leroy, who notoriously doesn't show up at his own events. Whether that evasion is a shameless stunt or a guileless necessity, it drew a crowd, and it's not like J.T. doesn't work for it; he faxed me lengthy intros he'd written for each of the celebrity readers, passages I sat backstage trimming and slicing so we'd get out by dawn. The readers addressed the absentee author with remarks like "I want to meet you someday. No, really!" But Matthew Modinesaid he wouldn't wear the raccoon penis J.T. sent him"I haven't crossed that road yet"and prefaced his reading by quipping, "I thought my childhood was fucked up." J.T.'s adulthood? I hear he has a new baby named Thor and a boyfriend named Astor, who also dates the baby's mom, Speedy. "Come and knock on our door . . . "
Similarly ambi- (or maybe namby-pamby-) sexual, Andy Dick enforced a lot of erroneous stereotypes with his recent statement: "Sexuality is really a choice and you can act on it or not. Right now I'm completely straight and I think it has something to do with sobriety." Gee, Andy's lady loves must feel really secure knowing that one little cocktail and he'll be taking it up the ass again!
As for me, I never had a cross word with Chandra. Oh, I mean I never did a crossword with Chandra.