Horoscope

CAPRICORN(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
At the recent Burning Man festival, shock-jock (and Capricorn) Howard Stern challenged me to an ass-kissing contest. As you might guess, everyone who had their butts bussed in our showdown far preferred my technique to his. I was declared the hands-down champion of the world. Since then, though, evidence has emerged that my competitor was not the real Stern, but a look-alike impersonator. Now my victory is in question, my dominion ambiguous. I predict that you will soon experience an analogous progression, Capricorn: Apparent triumph will become clouded by doubt. The proper response is not to feel deflated, but rather to redouble your efforts. (In that spirit, I hereby challenge the real Howard Stern to a supreme Kiss-Off.)

AQUARIUS(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Toronto astrologer Richard Geer once asked me, "What are your minimum requirements for paradise?" Now that I've been to Burning Man, the freak festival in the Nevada desert, I know. In my wonderland, I'd be able to dance to hot music anytime of the day or night. Everywhere I'd go I'd encounter perky allies who are my equals and who, like me, are creators rather than spectators. Money would be unnecessary, exchanges of goods and services would proceed by bartering, and generosity would be the ruling spirit. Danger levels would be low: I'd feel utterly safe and without fear. What about you, Aquarius? Now that you're in a phase when you have the most power to bring heaven down to earth, I urge you to write down your own minimum requirements for paradise.

PISCES(Feb. 19-March 20)
In the cabala tradition, every Hebrew letter is assigned a number, and so every word is also a number derived from the addition of its letters. Gematria is the practice of finding hidden resonance between seemingly unrelated words that have similar numerical values. Of the many poetic truths revealed through this art, one is particularly apropos right now: The Hebrew words for both serpentand messiahadd up to 358. For you, it means that the part of your life you regard as sexy, slippery, elusive, and thorny is the key to your next adventure in illumination and salvation.

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Tell us about a time when an unexpected event cracked open a hole in your shrunken reality so as to let juicy eternity pour in. beautyandtruth@freewillastrology.com.

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