NY Mirror

The guys are quick on their feet, too; when an audience member's cell went off on opening night, one of them snarled, "Give me that phone. I'll tell them where you are." How can this show be topped? Well, one of the guys just told me that a friend of his does "bum tricks." Get ready for Puppetry of the Anus.

By the way, Jennifer Coolidge saw the show and told me, "They can do a windsurfer? Well, myboyfriends can put together a music stand!" Even camp legend Charles Nelson Reillymentions the gonadal drama in his one-man show, Save It for the Stage, in the context of describing how George Maharis's dick was "the biggest thing Off-Broadway" (they worked together). And Reilly mesmerizingly traverses the length of his own life, describing how he triumphed over much unsolicited advice. ("They don't allow queers on television," a producer once told him—but the guy was later killed by a male hustler.) Reilly proved them all wrong by becoming so omnipresent he admits to once thinking, "Who do I have to fuck to get off TV?"

That cute Brooke Shieldshas taken off from the tube to do Cabaret, and someone I know who saw the show calls it Suddenly Sally Bowles. (I saw it starring Gina Gershon, but had to move upstairs when the tourists at my table started cheerily singing along to "Tomorrow Belongs to Me.") Meanwhile, I hear that the fabulous Brittany Murphy("I'll never tell . . . ") is negotiating to play Sally, though right now she's making that Eminemmovie, which I guess is alsoabout the rise of Nazism, tee-hee.

A wartime escape happens Tuesdays at Marion's, where "human parrot" Lee Byar pops out in drag as a different diva every time you finish a course. Last week, it went like this: soda, Carol, salad, Judy, entrée, Marilyn, dessert, Bette. And suddenly I was Shelley Winters.

Finally, that ditsy diva, Sir V.S. Naipaul, just won a Nobel Prize, but his homophobic views won't cop any awards. In a recent interview, Naipaul said that E.M. Forster had "his own purposes in India. He is a homosexual and he has his time in India, exploiting poor people." As for Forster's pal, economist John Maynard Keynes, "he sodomized [people] and they were too frightened to do anything about it." Gee, I feel sort of raped.


musto@villagevoice.com

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