By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Now that you're coiled deep inside the heart of the subterranean maze, I think you know what to do. Reverently slip into a state of expectant meditation. Humbly bow to the power of the uncanny mystery. Breathlessly utter the surprising password. And then cackle uproariously as the Secret of Secrets refuses to unveil itself for the hundredth time. Rise up and dance like a drunken monkey, celebrating your release from the maddening obsession. Gibber "I just don't care any more!" with blind joy as you claim your ecstatic liberation from the unfulfillable vow. And then sigh with orgasmic gratitude to be purged of the impenetrable riddle and launched into a future where you'll never feel as tortured again.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
You don't need more answers, my ripe friend. Not yet at least. By January you might. But right about now you need better questionsespecially about alliances, interdependence, and joint interests. To get you started, here's the Question of the Week: Are those really flaws bugging you about the people whose destinies are entwined with yours, or just incompletely developed talents? And here's the Question of the Year: Are those really flaws bugging you about yourself, or merely incompletely developed talents? Now here's a gem from psychologist Carl Jung that should inspire even more good questions: "The best political, social, and spiritual work we can do is to withdraw the projection of our shadow onto others."
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Tantric scientists at the Institute of Whirled Consciousness have shown that prospects for world peace will rise dramatically if a mere 750,000 Geminis (about the number that read this column) do a meditation in which they visualize Jesus, Muhammad, and Moses performing a Three Stooges routine for Oprah Winfrey, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Mother Teresa. Interestingly, the researchers also predict three transformations in your personal life if you participate in this experiment. First, you'll experience a dramatic boost in intelligence about one of the dumbest aspects of your life. Secondly, you'll lighten up your attitude about a ridiculously dogmatic belief. Finally, you'll bring a big dose of feminine wisdom to bear on an overly masculine influence.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Till the end of your days, you will require more downtime than most people. You'll vacillate erratically between hiding your feelings and revealing them too freely. You'll worry too much and carry stress in your belly and judge yourself too harshly and periodically isolate yourself from the nourishing sources you need most. Or maybe none of the above, Cancerian. What if I told you that all the behavior I just described does not have to be a lifetime curse? What if I suggested that while those tendencies might feel congenital and permanent, you can transform them? For clues on how to proceed, meditate on the pithy clues you've gathered during your current growth spurt.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)
I invoke Brigid, Celtic goddess of the undying flame, and ask her to unleash thrilling clarity in your heart. I pray to Chantico, Aztec goddess of fire, that she might awaken creative fertility in the most familiar and comfortable places in your life. I call on Ilmarinen, the magical smith of the Finnish pantheon, to appear to you in a dream and forge a talisman that will quicken your quest to deepen love. Finally, I offer a bribe to the Lakota trickster god Inktomi, in the hope that he will shake the ground with his wise laughter and make you pregnant with a vivid vision about who you could become by 2004.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
To my great delight and your eternal benefit, Virgo, you are less boring right now than you have ever been. Your problems are absolutely fascinating, your sins are totally original, and your muse is not in the mood to leave you alone anytime soon. All of these fun facts will come in handy this week, when the fundamental rule will be: They who are most unpredictable yet trustworthy will commandeer the greatest influence. My conclusion: Flaunt your rich chaos with integrity, baby. Seduce benefactors and helpers into your sphere on the strength of your imaginative disruptions in routine.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Whether or not you're a pinko peacenik, you may be alarmed at how faithfully the news media is parroting the American government's party line about the war. It's not entirely the journalists' fault. They have no access to even civilian satellite photos of Afghanistan because the Pentagon owns exclusive rights to them and isn't sharing. Furthermore, few Western reporters have been able to see what's going on for themselves in the war zones; most rely on military PR spokesmen to spoon-feed them propaganda. This information lockdown reminds me of a similar situation in your personal sphere, Libra. You're out of the loop; at least one of your reliable sources has dried up. In order to make enlightened decisions about your future, you need to aggressively seek out richer data.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You could really use about twice as much elbow room and five times as much headspace. You deeply deserve a brand-new red toy and a poetic license and a blank check. You would greatly benefit from diving in over your head and feeding a telepathic flirtation and singing a fresh freedom song and fashioning a mask that fits your new face and drumming up a self-made lucky break. And I like your attitude so much these days, Scorpio, that I'm going to interpret the astrological omens as suggesting you have an excellent chance to claim all the above.