By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
ARIES(March 21-April 19)
Cybernetic brain-enhancement is a distinct possibility in your lifetime, says futurist Michael Lindemann. You'll have the chance to clone yourself, he adds, and to interact with sentient machines. Proof of extraterrestrial life will require you to revise your core beliefs, as will technology that allows humans to control gravity. Use these mind-expanding notions to launch yourself on a vision quest to explore your future. Let day-to-day obsessions drop away as you free yourself to imagine the world you want to enjoy 10 and 20 and 30 years from today. Remember, you could easily live to be 90. It makes sense to begin laying the foundations for all the New You's you'll be able to give birth to between now and your last breath.
TAURUS(April 20-May 20)
Let's brainstorm about the relationships you want to have in the future. For starters, avoid forming halfhearted connections with people who bore you or make you feel lazy. Next, picture in imaginative detail the vigorous, nurturing alliances you'd like to build. How do you want to feel when you're with your collaborators and sidekicks? What will be the predominant dynamic between you? What will you give each other? What will you create together? This is a perfect astrological moment to deepen and refine your desires for companionship.
GEMINI(May 21-June 20)
Ancient legend says a giant cobranormally a fearsome predatorshielded the Buddha with its expansive hood as he meditated in the wilderness during a terrible week-long storm. I predict that you will be offered protection or guidance by an equally unlikely power in the coming weekpossibly even an influence you've always regarded as unsympathetic to your dreams. Do you dare make an alliance with an elemental force of nature?
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at email@example.com.
CANCER(June 21-July 22)
Martyr-complex alert! You are not obligated to act as a clearinghouse for everyone else's karma or as a dumping ground for toxic psychic wastes. Nor should you agree to be a guinea pig, scapegoat, or golden calf. So then what the hell are you supposed to be? A well-rewarded amateur therapist, maybe. Or the valued companion of an adventurer who's at a delicate turning point. Or the hardworking beneficiary of a potent legacy. Don't let people use you unless they let you use them.
LEO(July 23-Aug. 22)
If you were a famous musician, what items would you demand to have placed in your dressing room before your shows? Given the giddy mood of entitlement tincturing your astrological omens, it's a perfect moment for you to indulge in such a meditation. As you draw up your ideal rider, take inspiration from these stars. Mariah Carey requires bendy straws for her Cristal champagne. For Pavarotti, there must be "no distinct smells anywhere near the artist." Rock band Bush needs Jack Daniel's whiskey and Panax ginseng extract, while the Red Hot Chili Peppers insist on a meditation room. Busta Rhymes has to have a bucket of KFC and 12 ribbed condoms. Now what about you, you flaming, gorgeous virtuoso? What amenities would you richly deserve?
VIRGO(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Your allergy to the ozone-depleting, hero-deprived, fun-cheapening irritant we call civilization will soon be at a peak. The only way you might be able to immunize yourself is to rush immediately to a doughnut shop and read tabloids as you listen to a Top 40 radio station on headphones while stuffing yourself with jelly-filled pastries packed with artificial ingredients. If that's too scary, instead prepare to retreat to your fortress. Stock up on your favorite soul food, seek out some fresh soul music, and get yourself in the mood for some cut-the-bullshit, wild-at-heart, do-or-die soul-searching.
LIBRA(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
A reader named Robin Pastorio-Newman sent me a poignant lament that's also a prayer. I offer it now as an oracle for you. Your situation isn't as extreme as hers, but there's a resemblance. Through the twisted magic of depression, I have been missing me for a while now. I leave me messages, but I fail to return my calls. I catch a glimpse of me in passing, as if through a train window or in a crowd. How terribly alone I have been without me! I miss my wild ideas, high energy, and naive charm. And so dear Goddess, I beg you to arrange for a reunion. Grant me the privilege of having my fascinating feelings and intriguing adventures again. I'm ready to return to my independent and feisty ways, to work hard and waste no time and enjoy my beauty. Pretty please?
SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Congratulations on having such ambidextrous brains, you nimble wise guys and riot grrrls. Due to your ability to blend hardheaded rationality with a robust trust in uncanny mystery, you have not fallen prey to the inane strains of insanity that have been going around. Instead you have achieved a weird and glorious victory over the fearful fantasies passing for normalcy. Please accept the thunderous applause of my one hand clapping. The people who take everything personally and seriously may not recognize your ingenious work, but we connoisseurs of the liberated imagination do.
SAGITTARIUS(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week's counsel is designed to help you take advantage of the fresh, hot prospects that are materializing right before your eyes. First we turn to one of the richest painters who ever lived, Pablo Picasso. "I am always doing that which I cannot do," he bragged, "in order that I may learn how to do it." Next let's hear what ancient Greek philosopher Socrates has to tell you about the attitude you should assume during this pregnant moment. "The secret of change is to focus all your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new." To complete your oracle, Sagittarius, we call on French novelist Marcel Proust. "The real voyage of discovery," he wrote, "consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes."