By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
ARIES(March 21-April 19)
"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth," Winston Churchill once opined, "but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on." In other words, it's difficult for us to even accidentally be relieved of our delusions. They're so ingeniously constructed and hypnotically attractive that it's amazing we ever see anything as it really is. Now, get out there, Aries, and refute everything I just said. Whenever you trip and fall over the lumpy truth, have the good sense to stay down there and examine it.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
I wonder how skilled you are at living on the edge between the light and dark, between delirious joy and haunted dreams, between forever and never. I guess we'll soon find out. People less interesting than you might try to guilt-trip you into giving up the virtuoso balancing act. There may be similar pressure from the voices in your head that represent the hidebound views of your relatives and ancestors. But I urge you, Taurusin fact, I dare youto explore the itchy, intriguing adventures that are available only outside the niches everyone wants to herd you into.
GEMINI(May 21-June 20)
I won't be surprised if you spot your doppelgänger this week, Gemini, or encounter an alter ego with a destiny that's parallel to yours. In addition, I fully expect that you will have an enlightening encounter with a shadow and an endarkening run-in with an idol. The astrological omens further suggest that you will either serve as a stand-in or substitute or else enlist someone to serve as a stand-in or substitute for you. Given the mirror-like nature of reality in your vicinity, I wonder if you might even brush up against an authentic soul twin who'll offer unprecedented opportunities for synergy and symbiosis. Be alert for the theme of the double everywhere you go.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
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Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at email@example.com.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
If I were your agent or your mom, I'd declare this Cancerian Makeover Week. First I'd call in a masseuse to pound out all your knots. Then I'd send you to the hairdresser, the nutritionist, the psychotherapist, the career counselor, and the clothes store to change you around in every which way. I'd make sure you were denied everything that's even half-bad for you. I'd force you to commune with five experiences guaranteed to stir up your receptivity, reverence, and self-healing. In conclusion, Cranky Crab, I'd stop at nothing until you were thoroughly debugged, unlocked, and retooled.
LEO(July 23-Aug. 22)
The Web domain name www.sacrednectar.com does not yet belong to anyone. I suggest you consider buying it. Other domains you might think about acquiring are www.frothyparadise.com, www.honeyedsanctuary.com, www.midairkiss.com, www.juicybaptism.com, and www.slipperygodlove.com. Those are all poetically apt names for the Web site you may be moved to create after you live through the exotic adventures of the next few weeks.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
I strongly suggest you move the furniture around. In fact, why don't you move some of it right through the door and out of your life? This might whet your appetite to launch a full-scale purge of everything that no longer belongs under your roof: all the mismatched dishes, stained rugs, fading mementos, libido-less "joys," cracked mirrors, numbing symbols, and obsolete dreams that have lost their meaning. It is time, homeboys and homegirls, for you to liberate your home of its deadweight.
LIBRA(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
The messenger god Hermes will be your archetypal companion for the next two weeks, Libra. As a facilitator of communication, he will help you lubricate your connections, strengthen your web of allies, and bring disconnected parts of your life into greater harmony. It's important to know that Hermes can also be a tricky thief. To be completely faithful to his spirit, you should also engage in a benevolent robbery or two. Suggested targets for your heists: a burden one of your companions is having trouble getting rid of, an illusion obstructing your ability to get closer to a valuable collaborator, and a symbol of an old mess that's preventing you from leaving the past behind.
SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
The paycheck my feminist friend Riana earns as a stripper is 10 times what it was when she took care of senior citizens. Her increased income and leisure time allow her to devote herself to writing poetry with an intensity that was impossible before. Since she made the job transition, she has published two books. But is there a price to pay for using her body in a way that's at odds with her politics? Has she lost her self-respect? Has her soul been twisted? Not as long as she mines the contradictions for her poetry, she says. Now let me ask you, Scorpio: If it's true that any job you do requires some compromise, what kind of job and compromise would best serve your creativity? Begin this meditation now, and keep it burning brightly throughout 2002.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
To convey the true spirit of your current astrological omens, Sagittarius, I need to borrow three German slang expressions. Here we go. (1) Du wirst Bäume ausreissen. The literal meaning of this prediction in English is "You will rip out the trees." In other words, you will have amazing amounts of energy, initiative, and strength. (2) Du wirst aus dem Häuschen sein. The literal translation: "You'll be out of your little house." To say it another way, you will expand beyond the confines of your comfy little boundaries so as to embrace a bigger and more complete embodiment of happiness. (3) Du bist ein Glückspilz. Literally: "You are a lucky mushroom," which implies that you are about to experience unexpected good fortune.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Good news, Capricorn. In order to make it through the imminent rite of passage, you won't have to endure whipping, spanking, yelling, or passive-aggressive manipulation. In fact, this turning point may be the sweetest, richest ordeal you've ever hadand a prototype of the kind of breakthrough that will become more and more common for you in the years to come. Instead of having to learn your lesson through the shock of misery and pain, you are about to leap to a new level of mastery on the strength of your commitment to smart love and unsentimental integrity.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You are far from the sacred places of your ancestors, Aquarius. The songs of the land that sustained them, the songs that lived in the marrow of their bones, are unknown to you. But while this sad truth has in the past limited your ability to feel at home on the planet, from now on it will also work to your benefit; your freedom from the ancient ways will increasingly enrich your spirit. Already you are tuning in to the fresh songs of the land that will sustain you for the rest of your days. You are drawing closer to the sacred places of your descendants. Welcome to the Terra Novathe New Earth.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
Do I detect a streak of megalomania running through you these days? Have you been instinctively pumping up your estimates of how much you're worth? Do you find yourself fantasizing about how much better the world would be if everyone were only more like you? If so, Pisces, I definitely forgive you. In fact, I'll go further: I actually encourage you. After all, it's the astrological month of Sagittarius, when you Fish have a cosmic right to stretch your limits as you enjoy uncanny levels of confidence. Please feel free to lionize, exalt, magnify, glorify, and even aggrandize yourself.
Name the ideal that is most exciting to you right now and describe how you will take practical steps to embody it in the coming months: firstname.lastname@example.org.