Naughty Holiday Gifts

Welcome to my second annual sexy holiday gift guide. I've searched far and wide to find the best things to give and get this year, designed to celebrate, enhance, and inspire what we all want—pleasure!

For the dildo-inclined dyke in your life, consider a gift that gives both ways: the Nexus Jr., a silicone double-ended dick designed especially for use with a harness. One end goes inside you, the other porks her, and you can ride each other till Ellen's new show ends up in syndication ($78, www.vixencreations.com).

Oh, and if the dyke in your life is not dildo-inclined, for the love of the goddess, buy her a dong she can call her own. I suggest the Mistress ($45, www.vixencreations.com), a surefire beginner's model. While you're at it, get her a ballsy T-shirt—"I Fucked Your Girlfriend." There's also the boyfriend version, and both come in men's and women's sizes ($15, www.sikworld.com). Incidentally, I originally discovered Sik World Productions when I saw a shirt that said, "Ask Me About My Penis" in a tiny head shop in Columbus, Ohio; I thought it would make a hysterical gift for a girl or a trannie of any persuasion. Unfortunately, I think the company has discontinued that particular style, which sucks because I could have gotten it for everyone on my holiday gift list.

If you know a certain someone who's getting it from everyone on his or her list or even just a safe-sex slut, here's a little something to show that friend you really care: the House of Groove Urban Survival Kit. It includes: eight Urban Cut designer condoms (with plenty of headroom and the hippest packaging around), Malcolm Brown note cards, a CD, a Tendu Wellness Indulgence Guide, and a tin of Altoids, all for $20 (www.houseofgroove.com).

If your slutty buddy pees in the ladies' room, then she's probably got a bunch of thongs in her underwear drawer. Let me say that thongs and G-strings look really sexy and create a flawless, lineless butt in those skintight outfits, but they can also shift around, ride up in all the wrong places, and be so uncomfortable you'd rather put a tampon up your ass. Not so the cotton thongs from Mighty Fine, especially the military-inspired Privates, the movie-marquee Coming Soon, and the carnivorous hamburger iron-on transfer that begs the person closest to it to "Munch Me" ($9 each, www.welovefine. com). One word of advice: They run small; even my tiny ass required a medium for a good fit.

I recommend two saucy products to keep the sexually overachieving woman on her toes. First, masturbation guru Dr. Betty Dodson has designed her very own Vaginal Barbell, a stainless steel dildo-cum-dumbbell perfect for exercising the PC muscles in the pelvic region ($69.95, www.bettydodson.com); well-toned PC muscles can lead to longer, better, and more orgasms, so forget that Crunch membership and get her on this workout plan! All the superhero chicks I know are raving about the Wonder Rocket, a vibrator so small, you can probably slip through airport security with it in your panties ($19, www.babeland.com). Just kidding, of course, but I am looking forward to getting this tiny tickler, since my Pocket Rocket ($21, www.babeland.com) got me "detained" at the Delta checkpoint recently.

Have you heard of this newish chain store called Hot Topic? It's full of fetish wear, club gear, goth gadgets, and other counterculture shit. The catch—it's right in the mall! Totally bizarre. For the big girl in your life, Hot Topic carries a line of plus-sized funky clothes called Torrid; I recommend the T-shirt ($22, www.hottopic.com) that says, "I like pierced girls. They understand pain and know how to buy jewelry." While we're on the topic of pain, treat yourself or someone you love to hurt to the patent leather Heart Throb Paddle, with little "prickers" to make a bottom blush ($59.95, www.stormyleather.com).

Looking to fulfill fantasies this holiday season? Frederick's of Hollywood has its own cheesy selection of role-playing outfits, but I cannot resist the pink-satin-and-white-fluff Playboy bunny number with ears and tail, of course ($48, www.fredericks.com). If you have dreams of dripping chocolate sauce on your lover, but always end up somehow with hot fudge jammed up someone's cervix (so not fun!), lube manufacturer Eros has come up with the sugar-free, latex-safe, easy-to-clean-up Fun Foam ($17.95, www.erosusa.com). You can spread it all over your lover to your heart's content, in strawberry, vanilla, and of course, for the Barely Legal set, cherry. If your man just won't give up on that fantasy of a three-way with you and one of your female friends, I've got the perfect gift: Crawl into bed one night and read him a tawdry tale from Best Bisexual Women's Erotica, edited by Cara Bruce. Speaking of crawling into bed, why not treat yourself to a set of 200-thread-count cotton sheets from Lusty Linens, depicting scenes inspired by the Kama Sutra or Sappho ($85.95-$89.95, www.blowfish.com)? I must warn you that Sappho is only available in queen-size, not king—hmmm, curious.

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