NY Mirror

All-around performer David Ilkuhas dissingabilities; he's highly visible in a commercial for Listerine PocketPaks, but it's not as aromatic as it sounds. As Ilku told me, "I went in with messy hair, thinking I was hip and cool, and of course they flattened it and tried to make me as Middle America as they could. The lights were blinding, and I had to put little pieces of plastic in my mouth over and over again instead of the actual strips, because my tongue would have turned green had I done that. The corners of the plastic pieces poked into my tongue, which made it very uncomfortable . . . " Stop right there, honey. Nothing you say will quell my burning drive to be on national television. I'd even sell my cow!

By the way, I don't know who's poking his tongue into what, but I loved Liz Smith's crafty little item: "Tomand Penélope's last names are, after all, homophones."

Out and about, my sources tell me that Lynne Cheneyrecently hung out with her lesbian daughter at a gay bar in Denver called JR.'s Bar & Grill. At this place, no woman asks "Where's Dick?"

Pee-pees were practically in jars at trannie extraordinaire Amanda Lepore's birthday bash at Spa, which was such a fun, debauched blowout I kept expecting the MC from Cabaret to walk in and start branding us. At the climax, I asked Amanda how old she is and she gave the perfect answer: "Fine. How are you?"

Well, I'm not fine, honey, on hearing that my boyfriend, Jimmy Fallon, is now closerthanthis with actress turned Imitation of Christ diva Tara Subkoff. I'll get the little witch and show her what paranoid schizophrenia is like without the sugarcoating!


musto@villagevoice.com

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