By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
If you're an elementary school teacher, it's a perfect moment to think about moonlighting as a nightclub singerand vice versa. If you're a physician trained in Western medicine, it's a favorable time to investigate alternative healing traditions. If you're a physicist, I recommend you read some mind-boggling poetry, and if you're a starving artist, study The Wall Street Journal. In other words, Scorpio, open up a channel to what you've been missing. Explore the gaps in your education. Entertain possibilities you've barred from even crossing your threshold of awareness.
SAGITTARIUS(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Endangered species: Utah prairie dog, Hawaiian monk seal, Guam Micronesian kingfisher, and Sagittarian grandiosity. While I mourn the first three, I'm quite pleased with the last. I'm hoping it means you're learning to scale down your inflated expectations and overblown promises without diluting any of your passionate enthusiasm. Maybe by this time next year your idealism will have become so practical that you will have accomplished twice as much good work as you have in the past.
CAPRICORN(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Thank you for not smoking while reading this horoscope. Thank you as well for not burping, drooling, picking your nose, getting drunk, spilling food on yourself, thinking nasty thoughts about anyone, and letting your mind leap from undisciplined ideas to out-of-control feelings like a mean monkey on amphetamines. All such behaviors would interfere with your ability to register on deep subconscious levels the meaning of this horoscope, which is, in a nutshell: Calm down. Still your nervous habits. Avoid knee-jerk reactions. Silence your judgments. Count your blessings. Empty your heart of expectations. Remember what's truly important. Purify yourself in every way you can imagine.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at email@example.com.
AQUARIUS(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
The planets are ganging up in your chart to precipitate long-postponed climaxes. As one of the fringe benefits, I'm betting you'll finally get to utter some magic words you've been waiting an eternity to saymaybe something like "Ha! Now you HAVE to gimme it! So gimme it NOW!" Or perhaps it'll be something a little classier, like "Ahem. I hate to tell you I told you so, but . . . I always knew I'd receive my rightful reward in the end." Whatever the magic words are, Aquarius, I'm sure they'll ring with vindication, pride, and childlike giddiness.
PISCES(Feb. 19-March 20)
All her life, my friend Morgana suffered from excessive sensitivity and reactiveness. Her moods swung unpredictably, often triggered by imagined slights or ephemeral disappointments. She didn't like this about herself, but found it difficult to change. Then she got a job working as a social worker at a battered women's shelter. In service to the daily tumult of extreme emotions, she became a pillar of equanimity. Mothers and children alike grew to depend on her good-natured stability. I nominate Morgana to be your patron saint in 2002. According to my astrological analyses, your feelings, like hers, will mature at a rapid rate. You're already planting the seeds.
What gifts do you need and want and deserve most this holiday season? Send your outrageous demands to firstname.lastname@example.org.